The child within us

I was on one of my picture searches earlier today and for some reason I can’t remember now I put in a search for the house I grew up on, Friendville. The same search a couple of years ago brought up absolutely nothing, today, well it is flooded with information and photos. It just shows you what the power of a business has over the web. It still hurts slightly, to know that it is a glorified hotel, rather than a family home these days, as well families truly care about every stone of the place they live, businesses see then as assets and nothing more. I went through their website and although they boast about the grounds, compared to how they looked and how they were kept, personally I thought they were a total mess and just wrong. I never did send that email I thought about when I first saw it had become a hotel, as part of me wanted to thank them for making the house look more like I remembered it before it’s previous owners did some somewhat strange changes to the inside, which I saw when Adam and I went to Aberdeen several years ago, those at least have been corrected. I suppose that is the one thing about its new owners, they aren’t scared to spend money looking after the place, even if that care to me comes from totally the wrong place.

I have never understood why I have such a feeling of pride over not just the place I grew up, but over the fact that if my grandfather hadn’t bought it and had it renovated, it might not even exist now. My pride over my family is somewhat mixed up now by events that took place after grandpa died, but I still have this desire to buy back everything that was lost and make it what it once was and that includes his business, now also long gone. It’s strange how we hold onto the past even when doing so is a painful process, I forgave my father a long time ago for all that he did, which if you read back through my blog you will understand, I had to otherwise I would have driven myself mad, but still there are the small things that I find hard to understand that he did, how could he so totally destroy what was built up and left to him. I don’t understand because I just couldn’t have done it myself and he was the person who taught me to be proud of my past, it just doesn’t add up.

I used to think that everyone was like me, that everyone out there also had a feeling of unquestioning loyalty to family, regardless what they had done or not. It has taken me 40 years of adult life to find that this just isn’t true and that I am the rare one, not the other way round. But I just don’t understand how anyone could turn their backs on them, yes keep their distance, but to totally turn their backs and not answer a call from them, that I can’t get my head around. My father died without any contact between us since I was 16, it suited both of us, but if he had needed my help and if he had asked for it, I would have been there. I know most people don’t understand my attitude to the past but in a strange way, I also think it forms my attitude to the whole of my life including my health. I am an accepting person, a person who doesn’t and has never liked to even be drawn into an argument, I would prefer to just let the other person get on with it and quietly get on with my own life. I guess that is probably the best way to explain it, I accept what is happening and I get on with it, just trying to make the most of whatever or where ever I am at the time. Whether I was lived in a bedsit, a flat share or my own home I made it look the best I could, just as when I was working as a barmaid, a salesperson, a DJ or my last job an operations manager, I have given them all my all, trying to do all of them the best I possibly could, regardless of pay, hours, or choice of job, even if it was just the first I found, I gave it 100% of what was required and a further 20% because I felt I should, without pay or expectation of thanks. Being ill is no different, I have made the most of it from the very start through to now, without question or argument, it is the way it is and I just have to get on with it.

Everything that life brings to us and how we handle it is tied into who we are inside, what we learned as a child and how we believe we are expected to feel and act in any situation. There is one other aspect that is also out of our control, the type of person we are from birth, my mother says that I was totally content and a quiet baby, a child who needed no one to entertain me and accepting of whatever happened. I don’t believe that it should be a surprise to anyone that illness is just something else that I take in my stride and get on with. I know all this won’t help anyone else, but I think it does give an honest and true evaluation of me and a true explanation as to how I am always happy and always able to get on with everything. Yes I have times when I don’t cope, I have times when I am pushed too far in life, times when I even loose my temper, I am human after all, but at heart, I am a placid person and one who likes to please.

So what if you aren’t a placid person, what if you love an argument and will fight anyone, well it doesn’t mean you won’t manage chronic illness badly, it just means that you will handle it differently, but I totally believe that once you have been ill for a while, you too will find that accepting side as we all have one. I have never seen someone who has been ill for a long time who hasn’t found it, I have seen many many people change over time, there is something strange that happens and we are all out of control of it, it just happens. I guess it goes back to what I said not long ago, that illness brings out the good person in everyone, as we all learn the value of life and even learn to find happiness in the simpler things. Learning the value of life and how precious it is, is something a child never understands, these are the values we grow into either by age or by poor health, all of us eventually recognise it, all of us eventually and unfortunately, don’t understand these things until there is little left and little time to truly enjoy it to the full.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 21/05/12 – The formula

There are so many things in life that seem to be sent to test us, small or huge they appear when we least expect them and with no warning, they happen to all of us and we all react differently to them. If tomorrow your Dr told you that you were going to be housebound where would you start to prepare and what could you do to make it easier. I am constantly asked what the process is or how do you prepare for something so huge and constantly I can only give a few simple answers. Get to know your illness, I do mean your illness, not the general condition. Make your home your nest, it is really…..

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