I am setting out again on the trail of changing my smoking habits, I have smoked since I was 12 and then I was on 20 a day, rising to my worst of 80 a day. Smoking has been the one thing that was hit hard when I was made redundant, simply I just couldn’t afford it, so I bought out of part of my redundancy one of the early e-cigarettes, and hundreds of nicotine cartridges, well I only have 300 left, so I had to start making a new plan. It has taken my most of my spare time last week to find exactly what I wanted, my new higher voltage, higher volume, higher vapour e-cig is now on its way. Although I found the old one OK, I just never got the same kick out of it as I found in a real cigarette, the result being that I was puffing almost constantly and still desperate for are real cigarette, but they did what I wanted and that was to reduce my real ones so I didn’t have to spend so much every week. Right now I am still smoking about 22-25 cigs a day, a huge improvement but not enough. If I am totally honest if I could get the same kick from an e-cig as I do a real one, I would more than happily change over completely. Financially it is a no brainer, the cost at the minute is around £250 a month, if this new system works, well the cost would drop to just £24-£30 a month, I think it speaks for itself, all I have to do now is wait and see if it lives up to what it promises.

I am surprised just how my view of the e-cig has changed, I bought my first one because of the smoking ban that was spreading across the country. I had this fear that I might land up in the hospital again and even when you can escape the ward and have a couple of sneaky cigs, it was always difficult. I thought the e-cig was the answer, I wouldn’t even have to leave my bed to use it. The situation never happened, but now they want to ban the e-cig as well, sorry but that is just madness, it is nothing like a cigarette and has nothing but nicotine and a fine vegetable oil in it, totally harmless! I can’t help wondering how the rest of the population would feel if they suddenly decided that they were going to ban anything with caffeine in it, after all, that is a drug too? Just as drinking your coffee doesn’t hurt anyone but you, neither does the smoking of an e-cig, it only affects the person using it.

I managed last night to sleep right through until 7 am, which was just wonderful, losing half an hour sleep is neither here nor there. I did still wake up in pain but instead of having a battle ahead of me to get back to sleep, I knew that once I was up and I had taken my booster tablet that I would be able to just stay up. I have noticed in the past few months that although I feel awake when I get up, it actually takes me nearly a full hour to wake up completely. Just a few years ago when I was still waking I would be sat here in full flow just 15 minutes after getting out of bed, my mind and body fully awake and able to deal with anything that work through at me. Now I sit here feeling as though I am wading through custard, to just make my hand move on the mouse, far less do anything complicated. I guess the longer you sleep the longer it takes you to wake up, but it still doesn’t feel right to me. I am actually for what must be the 40th year in a row thinking about buying myself a sleep mask. I know that might sound odd from someone who sleeps as much as I do, but I am one of those people who needs to be in total darkness to sleep at my best. Yet again I am finding that I am being disturbed by the sunlight coming in above my curtains, they are actually blackout curtains, but there is this gap of about half an inch from the top to ceiling. It is at it’s worst when I go for my afternoon nap and when you have no choice but to sleep on your back, well it get’s annoying. I tried one year ago and didn’t like it, but things have changed and I can’t help wondering if I might just feel differently now.

I know that throughout our lives our attitudes change about a million and one things, but I don’t think that I ever changed my mind about so many things as I have in the last 5 years. I have come to the conclusion that it is due to nothing more complicated than simply having the time to using my whole brain, well what is left of it, to think about one subject at a time and to really think it through from every angle. Having that time is one of the things that almost makes being ill worthwhile. It is also one of the most impossible things to get others to understand until it happens to them. I know that I didn’t believe that having time to do nothing but think, was anything else than a complete waste of my time, but it isn’t just about changing views and learning, it is about becoming a much more rounded person and one that is content in your own place in the world. I can’t explain it to you any better than that, it is like me trying to explain what is wrong with any city centre for someone in a wheelchair when you are totally fit and healthy, looking down what looks like a flat and simple street designed for everyone. The only way I could show you would be to put you in a wheelchair and tie you to it, then abandon you right in the middle of town. Then and only then would you start to understand, to discover that flat isn’t flat and design is normally a nightmare, but even then you would only be starting to understand. Staying at home for a couple of weeks with the flue, isn’t even close to the time needed to start to understand who you are and how you feel about life. I am not saying it is impossible and I am totally not saying that you have to learn to meditate or join a group looking for enlightenment, but it is something that whilst leading a full and active life, you would have to actually make time for daily, trust me if you can do it and you stick to it, it will change your life.

More than anything I wish I had learned that lesson many many years ago. What I would have done with my life and how I lived, would have been very different and as long as I still met Adam, well it would have been just perfect. We all spend far too much time doing what we think is right at the time, without once stopping to actually think is it really right. I was forced to slow down, forced to stop and eventually free to think, when in fact I now know without a doubt that I actually had the time all along, I just didn’t see it.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 18/05/12 – Phones, Super Glue, and feelings

It has been a kind of strange week, there has been a feeling that something is going to happen and I have no idea what it could possibly be. It is not as though nothing has happened this week it has and out of the ordinary things as well. Monday started with my house phone deciding to commit suicide, we had a set of three phones so that I had one in the living room, bedroom and kitchen, just in case something happened and I couldn’t get to the living room and as running to answer one is no longer possible. The bedroom phone died completely a few weeks ago and I hadn’t…..