Self-inflicted

There are those days that just seem to pass without thought or true feeling, days when you don’t actually know, or care, what will happen next, as whatever happens will be right. It has felt for a while now as thought I would never have one of those days again as I have done nothing but worry about one thing after another, days where I have been chasing my tail and convinced that the only good point will be when I eventually manage to go to bed. I don’t know what made the true change, may be just at last having my mind settled over where my Mother is and how she is, but something changed yesterday and all those feelings of pressure left. I wasn’t any more able to keep up with my schedule, able to sleep more or anything I had been longing for, for weeks, but I was content to just go with what was happening when it happened and it was so nice.

Without explanation on Monday, ASDA’s shopping site was down so I wasn’t able to do my shopping on my normal day, so that is why here I am sitting here on Wednesday waiting for a delivery, one that for some reason I don’t seem to have a confirmation email for, but their site does at least show it is on its way. Email is strangely one of those things that I now rarely even look at, you don’t realise until you stop using it just how much of your time those stupid little messages take up of your day. For years, the first thing I did every morning was to log in and check to see what had arrived overnight. I made a point when I was working to not have my mobile connected up to the works network, I told a half lie, that my mobile didn’t work in the house, it did but only if I placed it on the windowsill, but that half lie gave me a window of peace. That said the first thing I did once I had my coffee was to sit here and go through my emails before going for my shower, then spent my shower making a mental to-do list for that day. Now, well I only ever log into it if I know someone is sending me something, or like today I want to check a delivery is on it’s way.

Email and mobile phones once felt like they were the most important things to have, that without them, well our lives would be just too difficult to master. They meant that our worlds were all connected and for some mad reason we all fell for it and we all tied ourselves to silly little bits of plastic. Try as I might I can’t get my head around this need for a smartphone, what has happened to the world that everyone wants a stress maker with them all the time. I constantly hear on the TV, people saying that they even wake in the night to check their messages, just in case they have something they have to deal with there and then. Are they mad? I have often said that I couldn’t live without my PC, but I don’t want it to follow me around that house, just in case of what? There is still that feeling of permission to relax every evening when I switch it off and walk away from it, it’s a feeling I guess most people now no longer know. I will sing the benefits of being connected forever, but I will also sing the benefits of not being connected 24/7. I know we can’t turn the world back, but there was a time when people had to have the change in their pocket and had to walk and find a phone box to make a call. When they did, it was because it was important, not just to say hello, their lives weren’t stressed by questions about work once their day was over and they were at home, time with the family was just that, no interruptions. I can’t help feeling that most people would benefit from just switching off those phones, from slowing down and spending just a little time in the past. As much as I would still like to work, ignoring all the reasons why I can’t for a moment, but I know right now that I would hate to go back to that slavery to email and messages, all that could wait until the next day.

It is strange how even now when I should have no stress in my life, when I have the space to relax as much as I want, that I have replaced all that freedom with a work like situation. I know I need the routine and the structure, my health needs it, but what it doesn’t need is stress, but yet again I have created stressful situations without even trying. I guess that somehow I need to find a middle line, but how do you have routine and structure that doesn’t go hand in hand with stress? As soon as you find yourself behind the timings of that routine, there is the starters flag just waiting to fall. I am learning not to be so hard on myself, but it’s a slow lesson to learn, as the truth is, that most pressures aren’t put on us by others but by ourselves, my life now is the perfect example. Does it matter if I don’t send out every Tweet I normally do? Does it matter if I only write 3000 words and not 5000 daily? Does it matter if I simply took a whole day off? Not to anyone other than me, and when I think back to the pressures I felt when I was working, well half of the pressure I felt was coming from me and no one else. I guess for some of us it is simply in our nature to strive to do more than anyone could ever expect from us. That is the hardest stress there is to break, the ones we put on ourselves, so just be kind to yourself and I’ll try too.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 16/04/12 – Small blessings

From my living room window, with my glasses on I have a view of Glasgow that fits to the size of the rest of my world, limited. I was sat on the settee watching ‘Country file’ last night, I need to wear my glasses as otherwise my clever little right eye would fuzz up everything, a huge advantage on some of the programs transmitted, but I wanted to watch this one. I only need my glasses for distance so I don’t normally wear them during the day. Someone must have opened or closed a window as there was a flash of sunlight as it bounced around the street then settled. I looked out from the room for the first time since the longer daylight hours had begun and spotted……

2 thoughts on “Self-inflicted

  1. I am so with you on this “constantly being connected” with almost everyone saying they can’t live without their smartphones, think it;s mass madness! I suppose we are about the same age so it’s a generational thing, but I also think we’re the sort of people who think for ourselves and don’t just accept and do things because “that’s what everyone is doing? I did try a tablet device from a shopping channel, spent a whole solid weekend trying to get to grips with it, couldn’t and hated those “Apps”, it was less bother to just type in the site you wanted. I think my issues are with my dexterity mostly but if I can’t manage that, a smartphone would be no good. John also commented that I seemed to have to be “tapping the screen very hard on the tablet as he could hear it. When I’m out of home, use my walking stick in one hand, handbag across body, can barely hear my old mobile and certainly can’t have a proper conversation on it! Why do people want to so connected/contactable at all times, that’s really sad? I watched some intelligent people on Sky news discussing sleep problems as a news story and of course the “expert” said too many people were taking phones,tablets etc. to bed with them and they actually said they did too, and then the penny dropped!!!

    In the end, I returned the tablet and forgot about it, but I would like another laptop or net book as John uses the laptop a lot and we have to take turns, so would be useful. The other factor is that no matter what yo do, use them for, how gentle you are, most computers/laptops seemed to have been designed to only last about 3 years, before they start playing up, being very slow etc? So now this current one that seems quite new, is 18 months old, so in another 18 mths-2 years, you are faced with having almost no workable computer, it’s awful as so much of our life is now online, even more so, with a disability.

    Apart from all that, I am now scarily finding that my typing/using the keys on laptop have got worse and I can tell I’m hitting the wrong keys more and more often. Well, off to Doctor again on Tuesday, he signed me off for 2 months finally, last time, so have to go back and hope he will do do again. Plus, he is going to do a “memory test” with me,that should be fun!!!

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  2. I have had my PC now for 6 years, the secret is you have to constantly up date drivers and bios, then they are compatible with all the new tech on sites and so on. You also have to constantly delete cookies, malwear and programs you never use, I spend a couple of hours each month just doing everything needed so that it is always at it’s best. Unfortunately unless you have a good grip on IT, you will land up in the position you are talking about, worse still if you don’t know what you are doing, you can totally kill your PC by doing these things incorrectly, You must make a save point so if something goes wrong you can reinstate your device at the point before you made changes, life isn’t as straight forward as it used to be.

    Tablets and smartphones don’t need taping at all, just you figure touching it is all that is needed, very hard when you have been used to using an old fashion keyboard as I still do. I hate smartphones as due to dexterity I make them go off somewhere else than I intended, just by touching the wrong thing. LOL

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