Just deal with it

I seem to be slightly closer to be on track today which is odd if you consider just how little has actually changed since yesterday. Out of all the things that could possibly drive me mad at any time, this hesitation, or stuttering fingers is really driving me nuts! I hadn’t realised just how much I actually express myself by typing and just how much time I really do spend every day communicating without saying a single word. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to find that my vocal stutters have relocated themselves into my fingers as their power to anger me through talking had become somewhat limited once I became housebound. Joking aside, my dexterity hasn’t really change that much in the last few years, yes I drop small fiddle things, spend more time than most searching around the kitchen floor for that coke bottle cap or tablet that has managed to escape, but that really hadn’t changed in its level of annoyance. In the last couple of weeks, I had noticed that it was becoming a more and more frequent occurrence, so much so that I had been considering starting up my bottle cap collection again. On my last spell of dropping everything I touched, I started saving bottle caps rather than throwing them in the bin, I had a whole range of caps all kept together so instead of having to get down on the floor, because a cap had vanished under some piece of furniture, I always had a handy replacement and Adam could fetch the escapee when he came home. Things seemed to have settle down for several months, but now it is back with a vengeance.

I know I have written several times in the past few months that I have been having a lot of pain in my hands, something that was totally new, my hands, other than short spells of spasms were part of me that seldom hurt at all. For some reason, it has always been pins and needles that they favoured and I had become used to the fact that tingling and numbness were their domain, pain was something I seldom even considered. I think that idea started when I lost the use of my left hand for several months, the idea that they could lose sensation, even totally die, was settled but pain just didn’t happen. Suddenly a couple of months ago that pain appeared, especially in the evening, it wasn’t as thought I was suddenly using them more or that I was doing anything that I didn’t do daily, it just started. More proof I suppose that exercise doesn’t stop the effects of either MS or Fibro, if it did my hands should be the fittest part of me and now they aren’t. I hadn’t added in the changes to my hands for some reason to my list of things that go towards my theory that my MS is in a phase of progression, why, I don’t know, possibly as I said I had this set idea about hands and I wasn’t willing to face the truth and change that idea at all.

The more I think about all the bits and pieces, the changes that I have written in here every day, the more it is easy to see that this from the very start, possibly before, is a year of changes. The start of the fourth month and so many new things, or old things that have returned, have been listed in this blog recently. I know all to well that progression is in the name of my illness for a reason, but after a long spell where change were slow, this sudden uplift wasn’t expected. It doesn’t matter how much you are prepared for something when it happens it is still stupidly a surprise, or possibly the truth is I just didn’t want to admit it was happening. Despite all my listening to my body, all my noting every tiny bit of it, I was still able to do one of the most common things humans choose to do, to play ostrich occasionally. To the outside world, I know it must appear that I have got my life sorted, that I am in control of what is happening and prepared for the future. I even manage to convince myself at times that I am the person I show to the world, but when I look deep inside, I am as scared as anyone else out there living their life with a condition that will eventually kill them. I can’t look at life like that though, I can’t sit and worry about what will happen next, I have to focus on what is happening right now and what it is doing to me today, at this exact second it is driving me mad with every wrong key that my fingers choose to hit.

The postman just rang the doorbell and I now have my new router, so later this afternoon the fun will begin, I just hope that it all goes smoothly and that it won’t take too long. I have managed to access the old one and found the details I remember cause problems before, so once I write them all down I will take the scary step of closing down the old one and heading into the unknown!

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 04/04/12 – More Transitions to deal with

Last night there was a really rare occurrence, Adam and I had an argument. We have had in our 14 years together very few arguments or even crosswords, although others around us frequently have thought otherwise. Our relationship has always had a snipping context to it, one line comments that have no possible answers to them, or if possible to answer, it is with another one line comment. Unless you have ever had a friendship which is like that, it is hard to explain that we are really playing a complex game, the rules of which have been laid down over the years and others can’t just join into without getting it wrong. So when last night I found myself constantly explaining…..

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