Sorry, sorry for going over so many things in the last few days that have been so serious and somewhat a downer, it’s a fact thought that chronic illness has so many things attached to it that make it easy for it to sound as though the world is a terrible place to be part of. That is also one of the pitfalls of writing both the truth of how things are plus the emotions and feelings that are produced by them, when pain is as constant as it has been for weeks now, the result will be that I find it hard to see that far past it. Yesterday morning I felt as though I would explode if I didn’t just say it all, put it out there in black and white, so I did and strangely as it often does, my mood lifted but just writing it, the pain didn’t change but I felt I was somehow more prepared to keep dealing with it, rather than letting it take over. I have said it many times and I make no apology for saying it again, writing even if it is just for yourself, can make the world of a difference to how you deal with things. When I was married for the first time round, I used to keep a sort of diary, it was a mix of my feelings and what was happening in the children’s development along with anything that had happened to us all since I last wrote. I didn’t usually write daily but I wrote at least once a week adding in photo’s, cards and any keep sakes along the way. My husband was in the Navy and not there to see it all, so I wrote it partly for him, but also for the kids, so they could look back on their lives, read the reasons behind everything we did and get to know themselves at a time they would never remember. When we spit he destroyed a collection of around 15 A4 books, the purpose and feeling behind all of them lost for ever. Those books, just as this blog, got me through some very difficult times, there is nothing like reading back and actually finding out for yourself why you did or why you felt that way at the time, because as time moves on, you truly forget the truth, or maybe you change it in your mind to protect yourself. That word positive keep turning up in the tweets I receive, so many don’t seem to understand how I remain happy despite all of what goes on, well I thank my writing for a lot of that, when you can pour it out and not carry it around unsorted and unsaid, life is easier. Some have said that I should be talking about much of this with Adam, well life isn’t like that, imagine what it would be like to come home from work, to be hit day in day out with nothing but a list of things that are wrong that day and the thoughts, unordered and unprepared about how it was effecting me. No one could take that and stay as a couple, this way, well this way he knows before he reads that some of it might be hard, but he has just seen me with his own eyes and I am still alive, still managing and still smiling. We talk, but we talk about mainly the lighter side of our life and we have the time to enjoy it without constant moaning from me. I don’t think I would have managed so well without his support, I don’t need to sit with tears in my eyes for him to know I am in pain, or not managing well that day, but life isn’t just about me, it takes to people prepared to support each other, as yes, he has problems too, he’s human.
I don’t work at being “positive”, I just am, my way of dealing with everything that has happened in my life isn’t to wallow in it, that just isn’t me, nor do I lock it away inside, I have always said that anyone in the world could ask me a question and no matter how personal that question, I would answer it. My way of dealing with hell, is to face it head on, to not allow it to take over, to not hide it, or deny it, for me, that way it doesn’t have the power to pull me down. You can’t laugh your way out of pain or traumatic situations and memories, but if you are prepared to face them head on and to write or talk about them without shame, fear or anything less than the truth, it breaks it power and hold over you. For anyone who thinks for this to work my life has had to have been simple and straight forward, well if you read all of this blog and
“Touching Space” you will see the truth is very different. For me the result is that I am at ease with everything in my life, at ease and content with my life as it is. I know that not everyone could just change totally their lives and their attitudes, to a totally open life, but I honestly think that even the tiniest steps towards working through and not hiding, can really change how you feel about living.
I actually don’t like that word “positive” when it is attached to me, as it sounds as though I have made some kind of decision to sit here with a stupid grin on my face and I laugh my way through pain, I don’t. I didn’t decide in any way what my reaction to my health would be, I went through all the normal steps of grief when I found out my future, but after that, well I have just got on with it, in just the same way as I have lived all of my life to date. Happiness isn’t a choice, it takes time and it takes honesty, but once you have dealt with all the negative issues surrounding you, happiness is what is left and it’s worth all the work needed to get there. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look at my future with happiness, I don’t want what is going to happen any more than anyone else does, but I know that is I deal as I have to date, with each step as it comes, I will get through it, if that’s positive then I am, but I just see it as being logical about a future I can’t change.