A mind in free fall

I am coming to the conclusion that there are things in life that are simply designed to drive you mad, those things that one day work and the next don’t, are at the top of my list. The charger for my e cig, isn’t working all the time and after the aggravation over the last few weeks, well it just proves exactly what I mean. This time though I know where to go to find a new one 🙂 I have to say that as good as the fake cigs are there is still something missing, something in the satisfaction level that just isn’t the same, but I am down to less than 20 real ones a day so the pennies should start to move in the right direction for once.

I am trying really hard to push up my liquid levels in a hope that as has happened in the past that simply flushing the system through will be enough to shift this infection, if not I am going to speak to the doctor on Monday. Tonight though I will not be drinking so much in the evening as the annoying result last night was I had to get up and go to the loo. I really hate having to get out of bed, it isn’t the interruption of sleep as I go back there in seconds, it is the huge drop in body temperature that gets me, warm bed to cold house, always equals a cold body, but no matter how warm that bed is, it still takes ages for my body to return to warm again. I’m sure it has something to do with my MS as I have noticed that when I return to bed with frozen feet, that although every other part of me thaws quickly, my feet will stay ice bound for ages. It’s not just my feet that it can effect as they are the most common to get that cold, but if I have touched anything that removes the surface heat quickly, they too remain frozen and painfully so, an over reaction I guess from my nerves. The really annoying bit is that until the defrost I don’t sleep but as soon as it returns to normal I’m gone.

Last night did hold one success for me, I was lying in bed needing to go to sleep but once again I was being plagued with mad sensations all over the place, not straight pain, but things like pins and needles, frozen skin, tingling and so on. It was at the level were making that step into falling asleep was going to be difficult if not impossible, so I decided to test out the effect of a morphine boost and it seemed to work. There is one possibility though that might explain it working other than the morphine truly stopping it, it could simply be the hugely relaxing effect. I know it is a case of either way it worked, but is it sensible to take morphine just to put me to sleep? Part of me says look it works, it does just what you want so what is the big deal, the other part of me says, there has to be a way of achieving the same result without adding to the risk of pushing my morphine intake to a level where I am making it harder to be sure I get ongoing pain relief, for as long as I can without becoming so used to it, that I need higher and higher doses. I guess the best thing to do is talk to my doctor but I don’t want him thinking that trusting me with meds to use as I need, will lead to me using them for the wrong reasons or taking more than I really need.

I know it is me doing this to myself but I seem to be thinking through so many problems at the minute that I am tying myself up in knots. It is almost at thought I can’t just accept anything at the moment for just what it is, or to not approach everything as a problem. I know all to well that I am creating problems where their are none and to be honest it is starting to really get to me, I would just really love to be able to shut my brain up and enjoy things for what they are. I just want to be able to rest rather than keep going over and over all the same things, especially as I am not managing to fix any of it. I have even spent time trying to work out why am doing this, but no surprise there. I some times think that we all do this, especially when life is just trotting along without any dramas. Our mind then feels that it has to create them, as it has spent so much time working on real ones in the past, it can’t just simply stop. It’s a theory that actually fits if you think about it, the last year was problem after problem, constantly looking forward to the next big event and then all the medical dramas that just piled on to me. With Christmas finished and Teressa and John no longer here, well there is nothing about to happen, nothing to look forward to and nothing to occupy my mind to it’s fullest. At this second all I am waiting for is to hear from my brother, but even that isn’t enough, as I thought that one through to the fullest and I now know exactly how I will handle his response. I actually even mentioned the fact the other day that things felt strange as I didn’t have a pile of letters all leading to hospital appointments, life has settled in to a steady trot and I need more, of what I don’t know, just anything that will over power this constant problem finding and trying to fix.

One problem though is fixed as Adam and I spoke about it yesterday, I wrote a post last week, wondering what Adam would do when I died with all the things that I have collected and have around the house. I mentioned that I thought he would get rid of it all but I worried that he wouldn’t know just what the true values are and what exactly he was getting rid of. Well Adam has said that he wouldn’t get rid of one thing, as he knows just how much all of it means to me, he might not know why, but he knows that I couldn’t part with any of it unless I really had to, so neither would he. I did point out that he might have to at some point but still he said he wouldn’t and that he wouldn’t change a single thing, simply because he loves me and he would feel he was letting me down some how by parting with any of it. I understand his feelings but I won’t be around to see who is right about the future of my crystal.