I had a subject that I wanted to write about this morning but something made me do a quick search on my blog to see if there was anything that was close to today’s post and there was, not only close almost identical, but I had no real memory of writing it. I know it was over a year ago but I am usually good when at not repeating myself, yes I often comeback to and embellish on things as they do change in time. The fact I searched, tells me that there was a subconscious record knocking desperately and wanting to prove to me that it was already there, so I searched and there it was! “Control of me” On reading it and the comments I found myself still without an answer that will truly work for me as well things are getting worse despite asking Adam to help. Writing those totally useless and stupid lists, achieves nothing as I still land up doing almost any of the things I need to do just to live without developing new problems. Yesterdays post outlined one issue, one that has painfully made itself known and there is a solution to if I just did it, but it is just one of a million and one things that could make a difference to my life that for some reason I just don’t do. The real problem though isn’t the list of things I’m not doing, which has grown from a year ago, but the fact that I am failing myself without any understanding as to why? It is as though I simply don’t do anything unless it has reached the point were it has to be done, be that showering, going to the loo or even eating, everything has become just that bit to much of a hassle and far too easy to delay for a bit longer. What I do know is that this isn’t just a memory issue, that might explain some of it, but when you are sat desperate to empty my bladder and I put it off again and again, clearly memory has little to do with. I also know that the level of not doing things seems to vary, I would go as far as to say that I manage to get control of things for a short period of time and then it all slips again, the slip this time took me to the point of begging Adam to take me in hand, as I am failing so badly.

At the moment with no understanding of why, the only fix possible is to have either Adam or someone else sitting in the living room acting like a Sargent Major issuing demands that I do the next thing now. Not realistic in any way what so ever. There has to be a reason, something that is happening with in me that means I start to slip then suddenly just stop doing everything, even when I know all to well that much of it can actually make my health worse. There is an element of forgetting that is clear, but it is one thing to forget to put a cream on a bit of skin that needs extra care, but it is another to sit for over an hour needing to go to the loo, but just not moving at all. Something is just not connecting, not allowing me to do the logical, even the instinctive and making me ignore the lot and just making me stay just where I am. Like I said yesterday there is a feeling that there is an element of madness here, but if you know it is happening, you aren’t going mad! How can I list all the things I forget to do? That is the statement the tells me I am not forgetting, if I was I couldn’t ever list them.

Just for that spark of extra fun in life, today is the first day in months that I have pain from my gallstones. I haven’t really had pre-longed pain before, usually it is a case of a sudden short burst of intense sharp pain, but today that sharp pain is preciously in one spot, not getting worse and not going away. It is one of the strange things about living with pain, as long as you know where it is, what is being caused by and how bad the pain can get, then for some reason it doesn’t worry you. I’m not saying that the pain doesn’t hurt, it’s just that you accept it for what it is, but when pain starts somewhere new, you instantly want to know why, what and how bad. Between the pain in my kidney, my gallstones and a pain I guess is from my bladder infection running down the right side of my lower abdomen I am really not the found of that part of my body just now. All I need is for my right lung to join in and the complete set of possibilities will be completed. It is actually one of those things I have wondered about a lot, I am used to having the majority of my MS pain on the left side of my body. 85% of my spasm, cramps and nerve pains are all on my left side, even when it comes to mad sensations they too go for the left side first before spreading and the worst pain from my COPD is usually yet again on the left side. What I have been wondering is simple, do most people with MS and other such illnesses, normally effect one side of their body more than the other, or is it just me? I have checked on the MS sites and I have found no mention of it, mind you I rarely do find what I am looking for.