There are days were I spend time just sitting reading back comments from previous posts, often they trigger something that I then want to write about or answer within another post, so in that respect I find them truly helpful. On others they remind me of things that I have brushed away and I have done my best not to think about and I find myself reread my posts. It is actually a really strange thing reading back what I have written myself, but thanks to time with a new eye on the words. You really don’t realise what your own words hold until you haven’t seen them for a long time, it is a bit like being a stranger seeing them for the first time, which to be honest is a double edged sword. I can be stunned at how well I wrote that bit or another, but I am also often mortified by sections I can’t believe I left in and sent out for others to read. I guess for anyone who writes daily it would be a good exercise as it is easy to sit and keep writing because it is what you do, rather than really thinking about how other will understand what you have been trying to say, or if the true message is getting across, without being strangled by minor details. But the thing I find in the comments both here and on twitter the most is peoples expressions of thanks for my being so honest about everything in my life. I have never seen a reason not to be, if I am honest I have never understood why people hide the truth about anything, making things up is just to tiring and a total waist of time. I have always been that way, even as a child I wouldn’t lie about anything, it was one of the things that everyone knew about me, so if I had done something I shouldn’t I would just admit it, but if I hadn’t done it, I fought tooth and nail to defend myself from taking the blame for something someone else actually did, or didn’t happen at all. Don’t think for one second though that it is an easy choice to make, I have been in trouble many times for saying what I know to be true, especially if it doesn’t match to a lie that had been previously told by another. Although it clearly surprises many, I can’t think of a single thing I have written about that I wouldn’t have been happy to say if someone asked me, the difference here is that no one did ask, I just went ahead and told everyone. I am just surprised by the number of people who actually enjoy reading my thoughts so much and keep coming back, but thank you for doing so.
Christmas and New Year were amazing not because of any of the normal things you would think of, but it was because of the 100’s and 100’s of beautifully written messages that I received on Twitter. Finding people all over the world who read what I write here or on Twitter, all taking the time to wish my happiness and to thank me for all I had done for them, well it was over whelming. But it has shown me how little it really takes to touch others, I spew out all this stuff that is in my head, I post quote after quote, PSMyWords and messages about living in a housebound world, nothing that I think is that amazing, but so many have taken me to their heart and their kindness never stops, Christmas was just more condensed and far more intense than any other day. I get so many messages that I can’t answer, I just can’t find away of answering, especially those thanking me for what I see as nothing. When you have people telling you that you have changed their life, made them aware of, or taught them such and such, thanking you for the happiness they find daily and so on, well it’s really humbling. I truly don’t understand how I have managed to do so much for so many people, without doing anything special at all, it seems I have found something to replace the attention and loyalty that I gave to my work, now long gone. My role now seems to be to spread honesty, happiness and love all over the world, a huge role for just one person, I just hope I don’t let you all down.
Last night I bit the bullet and I wrote the long over due letter to my brother, I actually sent it to his email address, which he did warn me he didn’t look at a lot, but if it fails to get an answer, I have asked Adam to get permission to print it off at work and then post it to him. It took me over 2 hours to write it as I kept changing it time after time, as I know just how easy it is for words to be read wrongly and feelings to be hurt without any intention at all. I sat for a few minute with the cursor on the send button, just in case I changed my mind then hit and closed down my systems for the night. I only had an hour or so left then before it was time for bed, but I actually felt so much better having told him just how he made me feel and the effect of his well meant decision to not tell me what had happened to Mum, now all I can do is wait, if there is no reply then we will move to stage two. I think yesterday evening was the first for a long time where I wasn’t switching around unable to find comfort anywhere, it is truly amazing the effect that being stressed by something has on my health. I also know that I went to sleep without my usual shifting around either, but it didn’t last all night as I was up at midnight for a few minutes but when I returned to bed, all the normal pains were back where they always are. Well at least it was good while it lasted.
We humans are a really strange lot, how is it that we manage to get things so wrong so much of the time and usually with good intentions behind it. That where honesty comes in, if we were all honest and didn’t make decisions for others, this world would be a lot better place. I know when I was working I became extremely cynical, I guess it happens when you are constantly looking for people who are not doing their jobs as they should and constantly finding them to. I am so glad that that side of me has mellowed and almost vanished over the years, I am now prepared to accept on face value until I have reason to think anything other than the best of people. To anyone out there with the slightest doubt about who I am and what I do, well have no doubts any more, I write the truth and nothing but out of love for all those facing a similar life as mine, here you can all find out exactly what it is like with no shutters, no cover ups, or embellishments, I am me.