Step by step

And normality returns, well I like to think it does. With Adam now back at work and the house no longer filled with foods that no matter how tempting they are, really aren’t good for anyone, there is a feeling of serenity returning. I can’t believe just how much something as simple as normality has become so important to me. As I wrote yesterday, constantly dealing with the those outside my little world is difficult, but strangely writing about it at last, has left me feeling much better about it. It is almost as though I no longer need to be ashamed about it, because I did. I’m what is classed as an adult but my feelings about others is very much the way a child feels, hiding behind their mother, or in my case Adam and our home, trying hard to not be seen but wanting to be part of what is happening. I wish I had thought of it that way yesterday, simple and to the point really, but I guess the more I look at not just my illnesses, but those others I have met on line have told me about, the more I keep finding this element of returning to childhood, either physically or mentally. For years now I walk like a toddler, feet shuffling and not quite lifted from the floor and arms outstretched to catch myself should I loose my balance and fall. When I talk I mix up my words and don’t quite get the right one at the right time, my sentences are filled with the stutter of tying to get words just right, if nothing else. I eat only simple foods as I fear choking and as I were my own mother, I gauge each plate full and every piece on it before starting to eat. My bladder has slipped back to the stage of not quite waiting until I am where I should be, before it threatens and often starts to carry out that threat. I can’t make my way through a whole day without heading off to bed for a nap and my night time sleep starts early and ends early, I am beginning to see more child than I adult the more I look. I can’t help wondering when the good side will start and I will behave as badly as all children do, but finding fun in every second of it. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I was ashamed, where it came from I don’t know, there had to be a trigger, but I can’t find it. I have never felt ashamed of anything I have done and as you all know all to well, I don’t hold back or shy away from talking about anything. Many might be shocked by some of the things I write about, so why has there been this one thing, such a simple thing that I couldn’t put it down in words before?

Fears are monsters that grow in our own minds, we start out with something really small and work on turning them in to something so big that we just can’t face it at all. I guess all fears are irrational to those who don’t live with them, it’s easy to tell someone else to stop being silly, but if we were all totally truthful, we would all have too admit to being in the same position over something totally different. Humans aren’t that honest though, we lie to ourselves and we lie to everyone around, as it’s easier than to simply admit to ourselves that we too are flawed. If you too know what I am talking about, then I truly advise telling others about it as I have honestly felt more at ease just because I have been totally honest about a million things in this blog. Writing allows you to be just say it, there is no waiting for the right time or the right situation, just write it and get it out of the way, if you don’t blog talk about it tonight and get it over and done with. Chronic illness strips you of almost everything we grow up believing to be important, I thought that the day I wet myself badly with Adam here in the house at the time was the worst thing my health could do to me. My dignity was broken and with every bit he cleaned up, my dignity became less and less, until it was gone. I know now that that was just the beginning.

I guess that I will along with many of you, will loose one thing after another, things that we thought nothing of when we were young and fit, will vanish one by one. I don’t know what will be next or when it will happen, but it will and I will write about it, because you and everyone else deserve the truth of how this thing pans out. So here I am today happy to say I can’t deal with people, I don’t know how to talk to them and I haven’t the first idea of the correct things to say at the correct time. What have I really lost, well I have lost something I took for granted the ability to show simple curtsy and caring for the other human involved in my life at that second. Sorry to every single person who will touch my life from here on, I might not be the perfect person I once tried to be, but just because I may be a mess that can’t control my emotions or my speech, but I still do care as much as ever.

2 thoughts on “Step by step

  1. just because you cannot express how you feel does not mean you will ever stop caring. I know what you mean about fears they do have a tendancy to grow and increase beyond normal thoughts

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