So where am I

There was no catching up for me yesterday, I knew before I went to bed for my nap that I was already a couple of hours behind, no matter what I tried the time just kept slipping away. I am already over an hour behind today, I know I have an increased number of tweets to get through at the minute but not enough to mean I just can’t keep up. I made sure I slept a little longer yesterday afternoon then blew it by sitting here until 6pm catching up and then staying up late in the hope I could see the end of a movie, I failed, I landed up missing the last 40 minutes, I often think that I will miss the end of everything for the rest of my life. I said it several days ago but something has to give and I need to sort out new ways of doing things, otherwise I will be doing nothing but destroying the health I actually still have. I know that a lot of the time I am loosing just now is due to just drifting off in to nowhere suddenly realising and pulling myself back to the job in hand. I don’t seem to be thinking about anything of any importance, just rubbish from my past and thoughts of the last few days. Families really know how to take over your mind, I guess if you see them all the time their impact isn’t the same, but when it is months or years without seeing each other, well they open up so much and add things that were never expected, all in minutes not weeks and days.

Years ago the last few days would have had no impact on me at all, I would have dealt with it instantly but when your mind no longer works in a way that lets anything happen as it did, well it’s hard. I am used to the fact that the damage done to my brain screw up all emotions, the tears of Christmas were nothing more than emotions that didn’t know where to go, it takes me time to understand what is happening, just as I drop in to total terror when things are moved around in my environment, I fall into an emotional mess when too much strain is being put on them. I had the joy of my daughter and here husband, the pressure of making things right for them, the fear of what had possibly happened to my mother and the fact it was Christmas, it’s no wonder I lost control of that emotional tornado. In fact I thinking about it I was lucky that it wasn’t worse than it was. I know because we have spoken about it that is one of the things that Adam tries really hard to ensure has a limited impact on me, he know all to well that I can disappear in to total fear, really terrified over things other wouldn’t even notice and he tries to limit any chance of it happening.

When my brain flies off into terror mode it does the most amazingly stupid things mainly because it drains me of energy, as a side effect I become more tired and I have to live with more pain. It’s like living on a helter-skelter, twisting and turning at speed and no control to rectify any of it. I guess that my inability to keep my life running at it’s usual speed is probably just another part of it, just as the slipping off into the spaces between fantasy and reality, even the increase of pain are all just part of the same thing, the simple fact I don’t deal well with change, even when that change is enjoyable, I can’t react to it correctly any longer. When your brain is slowly changing it’s really hard to explain it to myself, far less explaining it to others, the connections keep changing cutting out chunks of the past, while making it harder and harder to talk about the present. Brains don’t do what you want them to when you don’t have an illness that has chosen to eat away at it. I know that I have to face up to talking to my brother and to finding out calmly, if possible, what the exact truth is behind my mother being in hospital and who exactly chose to not tell me about it. Maybe tonight, as today allows me the last opportunity to not sound as though I have been waiting in anger to not call at all.

Adam went for one of his walks the other day and he remembered what I had said the other day about needing him to help me be organised, I just can’t do it on my own any longer, nothing happens around me, no matter how many times I think about it or decide it has to be done, it just all remains the same. He had been to the chemists and brought home with him some emery boards, something I have been meaning to buy now for a couple of months, as the chiropodist has said I should use them a couple of times a week just to help keep the layers down along with the length. I tried them today, but it really isn’t easy as I just can’t reach that well, but if I do what I can every few days hopefully they will not grow to much before her next visit in March. I am really glad that he is starting to take me in hand, it’s all just another side of what I my brain has decided to do, or not do. How can you live your life doing nothing yet believing everything is in hand?

For now all I know is that I am once more sitting here with pain where pain always is, everywhere, but for once there is a numbness over them, not taking them away but dulling what I know is truly there. I’m showered with clean hair and yes once again with a desire to sleep, but I’m waiting as I know that in an hour the front door will open and I will have half an hour of company before he once again returns to work. It’s going to be a mixed up week, days off, days at work and a weekend before normality returns and possibly I will all so find it.

2 thoughts on “So where am I

  1. Just to wish you a wonderful new year I hope all the support you need comes easily and without asking, I hope your pains will ease into the background and your amazing personality continues to shine one. Happy New Year. Siobhán

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  2. I know what you mean about watching films I often get good movies on DVD so I can watch them in parts rather than having to sit there and watch them all the way through. I am glad that adam is helping you 🙂

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