Zombified

It’s one of those strange days, one where I know what I should be doing and I really don’t feel I have the energy or need to actually even start on any of them. I’m drained, quiet simply the past week has taken away my energy and probably a lot more as well. I have never been the type of person to lie around in bed when not asleep but that is what I want to do, just lie there and let the time and day pass without having to be part of it. I half woke this morning before the alarm went off and felt straight away a desire to stop it from sounding so I could claim that it had failed, as if lying to myself would work, as I would be the only one angry with me for failing to start the day on cue. I know it is always me who puts pressure on me to do anything but I have been like that all my life and I doubt if I will ever change now. It’s mad the things that we put on ourselves, the rules, regulations and small details that are more than just habit that make our lives what they are. If you think about it, there really is no one other than you, who makes you do most of what you do every day, that’s excluding work. Actually I will take that back, we all could become self surficent and give up using all the modern day gadgets, but that just won’t happen. I never gave a thought to the simple life when I was fit and young enough to have actually live that lifestyle, but now, well yes you guessed it, I wish more than anything that I could now just do it, but keeping electricity and my PC, but the rest can go. We all thought do make the rules to our lives and they really aren’t always the best, why can’t I actually now start breaking those rules and just live the way my body want’s to? Simple, because I can’t let go of the idea that routine is essential, I guess there will always be two view on that one.

Again last night I pushed myself to stay up far later than I should, probably part of the reason I feel the way I do today, but I just wanted to stay up, to be a normal person for just a few hours, I guess I will never really learn. I found myself lying in bed yet again with so much pain raging round my body and knowing it was all my own fault, I am in this mess because I have quite simply been doing far to much. Now this is where my argument has been leading, the good of routine is my belief, but once broken what is the best way to heal the mess you have made yourself? There are only two choices push yourself hard to return to your routine, or let yourself sleep as much as you need, despite the fact that is screwing up your routine even further, but may let you hopefully find the energy you need? In the past I have tried both and I honestly don’t know which is better, other than I now always somehow land up choosing the routine angle with a twist, which I guess is the proof it works best for me. I already sleep during the day as well as at night anyway, my only concession to being zombified is a longer afternoon nap and an earlier giving up point at night, but still making sure to do everything I have to do in a day. I often wonder if I were a drill Sargent in a previous life as I just can’t break the rules my life has to be lived by, yes my rules, but break any and I land up punishing myself for it and my health punishes me ever further.

Despite the pitfalls of modern life, the visitor, the meals that have to be cooked or the drama of Christmas letters, like it or not it is actually always your health that is going to make you pay for not doing today what you are allowed to do every other day. Sat here twitching as my core balance has gone, fighting with fingers that have forgotten how to type and a mind that wants to just be left alone, not to mention a pair of lungs that have taken total exception to just breathing without pain, I am doing fine. Christmas is something I am going to mentally ban next year, I have tired ignoring it and that hasn’t worked, so banning even the mention of it may be the answer. As for my brother, well no I haven’t phoned him to thank him for the cheque, although I know I should, but I am waiting until I am able to speak with out anger pouring out at him. I have thought it through in almost every angle but I can’t find one that doesn’t make me want to scream at him about his strange logic of not worrying me about the fact my mother has been in hospital for six months. I can get a way with it until Monday evening, as well the postman didn’t deliver it until then did they, but that’s probably the wrong way to handle it and I should swallow my anger and just make the call, easily said but in reality rather a hard thing to do. I shall see how I feel when I get out of bed later and yes I do know the anger eating away at me isn’t making my body run riot, but not everything has a logical answer that is humanly possible.

One thought on “Zombified

  1. the one thing we desperately cling to while we are chipped away at by our illnesses is routine it is a never ending fight . I am sorry that the anger hasnt yet left you but I hope that you can let it go soon HUGs

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