I have no idea what was wrong with my yesterday, long before I wrote my post, in fact within an hour of getting up, I was in tears. For no reason at all the tears just kept taking over, I had no control over them and not the slightest idea why they just took over and flooded down my face. It was OK in the morning as Adam was asleep and couldn’t here me snivelling in the corner, I knew he would want to know what was wrong and why every few minutes I was off again. I actually did a really good job until the evening, when sat beside each other there was no way of hiding them at all. It didn’t matter how many times he asked or I tried to find the answer, nothing would come to mind just more and more moisture dripped from the side of my nose and landed in my rather useless tissue. Even this morning they have managed to reappear and so far have been unseen, but I still don’t know what is happening. I am beginning to think that it isn’t me so much as my MS, I know already that tears run when they are not meant to, but up to date they have been triggered by some situation and yes they appeared inappropriately but they had a reason, even if it was a rather twisted wrong one.
I have learned over the years to deal with situations where I have lost control of my body or even my emotions but to date none of them have lasted outside that moment, they were time capped and once over didn’t return, other than in my mind, where I tried desperately to understand and prepared myself just in case it ever happened again. To some extent we all do a similar thing when we are growing up and discovering what is permitted and what isn’t, the difference here is I am trying to learn from a lunatic who just loves to take over and make my life not interesting but difficult and rather scary at times. Adam tried to comfort me and offered up the reasons he could thing off, most that I had already assessed and dismissed. I’m not tired or overwhelmed by seeing Teressa and John, nor is it the fact that I have now admitted that I can’t keep control of my life and desperately need someone to keep an eye on me and send me off in the right direction. Not even the fact that I tried to phone both my Mother’s home and my Brothers to get no answer at either, so I still don’t know what is happening with my Mother. I think I have come at this problem from every direction and there really is no answer, all I can do is let them run when they want to and hope they stop quickly.
Strangely both of us didn’t want a big dinner yesterday so the beef joint is still sitting in the fridge uncooked, with the plan that we will have it later today. Between my tears, the lack of desire to eat, yesterday was as far away from Christmas as any I can remember, until the string of great programs on the BBC began, it was just this strange day of nothingness, at this second today feels as though it is panning out in the same way. For that reason, I am keeping this short today, as to be honest I could really do with heading to bed early, sleep is much needed.