You would almost think this was the weekend, yes the room is once more filled with the echoing sound of snoring. Yesterday went well, Teressa and John arrived as I thought they would around 4 o’clock and Adam who thought he would be home early from work actually arrived just after them, early but not as early as he had hoped. It was really good to see both of them although I hope that in time I will get used to giving my son in law a hug, he is so tall that I feel swamped when he leans over to hug me and I feel totally lost in his long arm. I guess the hours we spent together where just like the hours all families spend in the same space, a mix of small talk, memories and news, with the silences nicely filled by the TV in the back ground just loud enough to not cross over and swallow the chat. I often wonder how people managed when there was no background sounds provided by either TV, radio or record player, I guess though in that time it was normal and didn’t feel like there was nothing to say at that second and someone should think quickly to rid the tension caused by what is only natural. I guess silence only becomes comfortable when you spend that much time with someone that they actually become totally unnoticed, it’s only when you find yourself with those you normally love from a distance that they change and become monsters to be strangled.
As always when you rely on frozen foods, rather than making them yourself, all the little packets that promised they all cooked at the same temperature and same lengths of times, lied. So the nibble style dinner turned into a trail of eating what was ready, followed by the next that made it eventually out of the oven, but dessert was spot on and thanks to tail from the oven was the only time we all sat with filled mouths at the same time. Despite all of that I have to say it was all tasty and all if a little disjointed enjoyed by all of us, especially John who I am convinced despite his hight could really do with quite a bit of feeding up. Through out the evening we all were keeping one ear to the weather and one eye on the TV screen as we eventually settled on the News channel. All of us were checking the same thing and that was to be sure they would be able to make the journey back to where they were staying, as the storm was still making life difficult for almost the whole country. It’s maddening when everything is edged by this feeling that any second could be the last and all because of our transport systems in Scotland, they had to leave early anyway as the trains stop early Christmas Eve and most don’t run at all on Christmas Day. The time to go came round all to quickly anyway and I admit now that I was really drained by it all, while they were still here my enjoyment of the day kept me going, but once alone I found myself very quickly becoming cold and having to keep myself awake, but I still wasn’t ready to give in.
I guess we all need that time when that time you have been working up to is over, time just to sit and think through the day and to slowly let your body settle back to normality. I know myself that I have no way of just shutting down at speed, I need to adjust and to enjoy just the fact that it was a good day. I unwound as Adam pottered about in the kitchen, stacking the dishwasher and sorting away left over and so on. It made me smile as I just sat there in the living room, it’s amazing just how much our lives have switched places, a how our roles in life have changed. It doesn’t feel that long ago when I would have been the one through there clearing up and he would have been the one watching TV, the more I thought the more I became aware just how dramatic a flip it really has become and without totally being aware of it, as it has been such a slow and gentle path to our new reality. I guess it is something almost everyone who has been the home maker must be aware of, yes I had clearly noticed it before but there was something more, something about yesterday that took it to a new hight. It might just be that we don’t have people in our home that often that made me feel it with a new depth, as I am sure they too also saw that although I helped, it was truly Adam that played the host last night not me.
Life can be subtle or it can hit you like a mallet, mallets make themselves know without any doubt at all, but the subtle ones are probably the ones that in truth are the deepest and the ones with far more feelings attached. Yesterday was subtle, one of those moment when I felt my life change again with another part of it leaving me behind and forcing me to pick up a different role and live with it. Part of the subtle change was brought about by Teressa as she had been reading my blog and picked up on the fact I feel I am drowning in thing that I just can’t get done. Out of know where when we were in the kitchen at the same time, she offered that when they come back on Friday to help with the piles of paper work that I just can’t seem to get through, to sort it, file it or shred it, or to do anything else that I need help with. I guess that I have been asking for help and I haven’t talked to Adam about it, but I am just on that edge of needing someone to take me in hand and to organise me, as I am failing to do it alone. I guess Teressa picked up on it as well it is a joke that has been said a million times by more people than I can remember, but Teressa and I are one person, we say the same thing, like the same things and often feel the same things, so for her to see in my writing a plea which was hidden, doesn’t surprise me at all. With her here for such a short period of time, I just couldn’t ask her to sit shredding rubbish, but I thank her for spotting what I didn’t really want to say.