Amputation hurts

I seem to be having trouble with sitting again this morning, there just isn’t a positions that will let me sit for any great length of time. It is always the simplest things that seem to make life difficult or uncomfortable, I have learned to accept the spasms, they turn up make life heal for a short period of time and then go, leaving behind an ache that fades over time, but all of it is limited. When you have no choice but to keep putting your wait onto something that is hurting, well it will continue to hurt and it will keep getting worse, but there is nothing you can do about it, apart from to keep trying to move your wait around. I don’t believe there is a single possible way of sitting that I haven’t tried, or combination of things I can sit on to relieve it, short of standing there, is no relief. I have often been asked what is the worst bit of living with all my conditions, well it would be easy just to answer a quick living with the pain, or not being able to get around, but the really worst bit to me is, the fact that no matter what you do, it will always win, there is no true relief or end to any of it. Should anything decide to give me peace, you can be assured that something else will take it place, chronic illness is like living in a never ending circle, which on the other hand never gets boring as you never know what will happen next. Hibernation seem to be my bodies main preoccupation at the moment, I know looking back that winter does always seem to be a time when my body wants to close down, it’s a double edge sword really as sleep means you get a welcome escape but being cold and tired heightens every pain there is.

In the last couple of days I have been trying hard to trim things back to allow me to have a little more free time and not living only on line, but it is incredibly hard to make yourself change things that you know others like. I know I have always been a person who puts others needs and wants before mine, but that is just the way I have been through all of my life. If I though that just one person like something I do and it makes then that little happier, I then just can’t let them down in any way. You wouldn’t believe just how many times in my life I have tried to change, to just put myself first, but what always happiness is I stop keeping one person happy, just to replace them with someone else I can focus on. I suppose it is one of the simplest ways of splitting types of people, those who are givers and those who are takers, neither heading meant derogatory in any way. Yes we all cross over at times and even meet in the middle occasionally but the split is still quite easily made. I can’t just stop doing anything, it always has to go through this painful process of pulling myself away and setting myself, hopefully, in a more appropriate direction. It is actually an amazingly painful thing to do as making myself let go of my creation, that has become my life lately, makes it even harder. I did exactly the same thing at this time last year and I ditched an entire website I had set up just for all the wonderful pictures I kept finding, I knew all to well that there was small group who loved it, but it just had to go. It felt as though I am cutting off a limb and with it at the same time removing the limb of those who like what was on the site. I managed to ditch it and I had a whole hour freed up daily, but then I started something else and lost that hour again.

I have just as always watched the news and the weather forecast, something I always watch just that little bit more closely at this time of year, yes in the hope of it being a white Christmas, it looks as though we will have no luck this year. It’s strange how we all long for snow on Christmas day as it would have been anything but snowing on the day that Jesus was born. Thanks to the commercial side we now all see it as essential, I was thinking about it last night and I can remember only one white Christmas when I was a child, it was actually one of those perfect and timely arrivals. Every Christmas eve we always along with all the other nieces and nephews went to my Aunt Lorna’s for the evening. While the adults did what adult do, all the children were sent up to her bedroom where she had laid out a dressing up box and we all set to, to make up a small play for our parents. I can’t remember what exactly we were doing but I do remember looking up at on of the skylights to see huge flakes of snow landing quickly and being followed by others. The play went to one side as we all rushed down the stair shouting as loud as we could that it was snowing! All of us adult included went to the front door as the front of the house was well lit, not just the children but the adults as well all went out an stood there, just looking up at the sky and letting the snow land on our outstretched hands, whilst the children continued to jump up and down shouting over and over again “it’s snowing”. Christmas is magical for all children but that year had that little extra, something that I have never forgotten, even if I can’t remember what year it was or what present arrived, it snowed.