I guess we all like to think that our lives are in our control, at least I always thought mine was but now I have at last admitted to myself that I am have absolutely no control left over mine. I know that sounds on the surface as defective but it’s not honestly, it is actually strangely empowering. There are times in your life were putting your hands up and saying OK you win, actually is the only logical way to go and I think I have at last realised that. Just like it took me a full year to realise that no one was ever going to employ me again and spending time searching the job ads and filling in applications was a total waste of time, I have at last admitted that if my body wants to do something to me, it will. In more and more situations I have no choice left, other than to let it do what it wants, then pull myself back to normal when it has finished. I have for years now continued with the same plan, the same systems and the same reactions, yes I have tweaked them to allow for the fact that things change all the time and symptoms get worse, but fundamentally nothing had really changed. For years they have worked well, well at least I thought they were, but last month I started to test, to see what happened if I didn’t physically try to improve my situation and just let it do what it wanted, even to the point of doing absolutely nothing. I was more than surprised to find that on the whole, doing nothing worked just as well as working on the muscles in spasm, or trying to massage areas that are on fire or had pins and needles. To my surprise trying to do something about a body that is defying you, is actually just a waste of energy, do nothing and it goes away just as fast as trying to fight it, it appears that fighting is often nothing but a way of distracting yourself until it ends. The only thing that I have found does work and is worth doing, is simply changing position and controlling my breathing, so that I relax and to apply pressure at the worst point, but I can’t really control pain and I can’t make it go away. Since I have admitted that and accepted it, I have actually found things a lot easier to deal with.
When I was first diagnosed, physiotherapists and specialist all showed me different exercises and different ways of dealing with all the things MS does and I have worked my way through the years still holding on to much they told me, partly because I thought they knew best and partly because I thought that it worked. Unlike the testing of medications I have done all the way through, I had never tested before the results of massage, stretching and flexing muscles to brake spasms or just to keep them supple, which I was told could reduce the number of spasms. One month on and I am happy to say that if I just let it do what it wants, rather than getting myself into a defensive position, or trying to convince myself I am in control, life is easier. So yes I am not in control. my health is, but if it is happier that way, well I can be to. I am actually really surprised that I didn’t try giving it control before, as well I am usually the type of person who looks for the simple route through life, if there is an easier way, well I do it that way. The strange thing though is like I said at the start of this post, I actually feel stronger by giving into it, than I did fighting. There is a feeling of this is the way it is meant to be, I hope that makes sense to you as I can’t find any other words to describe it, but it is in itself a relaxed position to be in. I am not recommending that this will work for everyone, but it is working for me, it might work for you, there is no harm trying.
I woke this morning to the sound of the outside world ripping itself apart, I don’t think I have heard winds like it for several years, it is actually one of the strange thing about spending the winter months with the curtains always closed, you are cut off from the world unless it makes itself known to you. When I went to the hospital the other day I was shocked to see that there was a fog so thick that I couldn’t see the end of the road, why it shocked me I don’t know but it made me realise there is this odd connection to the world that by just knowing what the weather is like, somehow gives you a feeling of being part of it. I have never really felt a need for curtains to be opened and if it wasn’t for Adam, I really think I wouldn’t open them at all, it just doesn’t rank on my list of important things to do. I know that in the summer Adam will often stand at the window just looking outside at the street to see what is going on, I have never felt a need to do that, unless I am waiting for a delivery. I just don’t get the need to stare at the same buildings and the same people, who have always been out there, most doing what they have always done. Thinking about it I have just realised that the longer I have been housebound the less I have had any interest in the street I live on, yes I am an avid News watcher, I probably watch more New than most people averaging about 4 hours a day and none of it local. Believe me if someone said that BBC Scotland and STV were both closing down, it wouldn’t effect me at all. Just as I have little to no interest in the street outside, I don’t really want to know about Mrs Smiths flower beds. I seem to have closed the curtains on the small and opened them further to the entire world.
I wrote about the savings I had made last week, but Npowers site is now fully updated and according to them our fuel usage dropped by 25% from November 2012 to November 2013, just by keeping curtains closed and unrequired lights off, really worth thinking about.