Stuck in a void

Words don’t really seem to be flowing into my mind or out of it today, I have to say that the later hours of yesterday were just the same, just a blank that was really hard to pull any thing our of. So forgive me today if at times I don’t make a great deal of sense or I land up with a shorter post than I intend. You do realise now that I have said that, everything will be perfect and no one other than me will feel or see the difference. I never thought that it was possible to totally clear your mind, you know in the way hypnotist and so on request people to do. I know it wasn’t possible years ago as the instant some one said that, a million things tumbled in, even when I tried to do it just for myself without being told to, still thoughts kept appearing, so to discover it truly is possible to not have a single thought at all should be a great discovery, but it’s a soars of great disappointment and frustration. It is really odd to be sat there with nothing is happening up there, just a void of nothingness that actually somehow is almost possible to feel. It is as if there is actual sensation in the inside of my scull, allowing me to sketch out the true space and just how empty it actually is.

Odd sensations are all part of my life, it is possibly the only thing that seems to be increasing, anything to do with sensation or pain, over the years I have become very familiar with almost every nerve in my body for one reason or another. I even now can actually run a finger right along the path that a nerve follows, something I would actually prefer not to be able to do. Last night actually supplied one of the oldest and at first frightening nerve activity, it actually happens quite a lot now so I know longer sit or lie trying to decide if I need to call an ambulance or not. For some reason the nerves in the side of my face start to vanish and the skin feels as though it is dragged and hanging, first from above my eye and then from my cheekbone and finally from my chin. The whole sensation on that side of my head will be upset by it, often there is pain somewhere at the top of my head and clearly the fear is that I might be having a stroke. I used to run and look in a mirror to see if what I was feeling could be seen, but nothing ever showed despite being convinced that it had to be all wrong, I gave that up checking long ago as it usually caused more pain or exhaustion than the reassurance could counter. Last night I just lay there and waited for it go, which it did, but I have to say that it really did scare the hell out of me the first time. I guess that is the truth with most things, the first time is always the worst and once you know and understand what is happening, you start to ignore and dismiss it as just that again. I can’t help wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing in some cases, what if I was really having a stroke and I did nothing, but you can’t live by what if’s, it’s just too tiring and too much to fill your head with all the time.

I seem to have developed a problem with the mattress elevator, it was fine until last week when a man turned up totally unexpectedly to service it. Apparently they come out every year, so I let him in, he spent about 15 minutes tinkering with what was a perfectly working elevator, it isn’t working now. Some how it has become stuck, once I have raised it to a level I can then get out of the bed, I can’t actually get it to go back down again. For the last few days I have been sort of dropping myself back on to the bed and the jerk action crashed it down without a problem, but the next morning it would stick again. This morning it stuck and it won’t go down at all, I of course don’t have the slightest idea who to call to have someone come out and fix it for me, I really wish they would supply you with a book giving all the numbers that you might need once you have a range of equipment supplied by them and who to call when there are problems. I have actually done the on-line search and what I found was 100% useless, in fact I don’t actually know who it would ever be useful to anyone, but that is another post I guess. Luckily in my last forgetting what I was doing sessions, I started moving paper around on my desk simply because I didn’t know what else to do, concentrations is just about zero just now but for one it was useful, I found a piece of paper with the phone number for the OT department, I just hope they will be able to help, once the number actually rings rather than just sounding the engaged tone.

I never really thought about it until now but this actually must be a huge problem for millions of people with memory problems. I know that over the years I have been handed millions of leaflets and scraps of paper with phone numbers on, nearly all were brought home and placed somewhere safe, or added to a pile of pieces of paper to be dealt with later. With the best memory in the world, I wouldn’t be able to find any of them, many will have been caught up in mad clear up sessions, resulting in them being shredded or just binned, some will still be here, but it would take many hours to find any of them. I don’t know why it hasn’t been organised that anyone with a condition that attacks memory is given a folder that we have to have with us when ever we are being treated for anything, that way numbers could be added or updated where needed and would then be there when we need them. A nice lime green or yellow would mean it could be seen even in the middle of a pile of other things we need to have for some reason we have forgotten about and it wouldn’t get shredded, well not with ease.