Searching for life

There is never a simple answer to anything once you are either past that certain age, or you are no longer fit for purpose. I remember clearly when I was in my early teens thinking this would never happen to me, I was never going to be old and wrinkly. I would be dead before that happend, in fact I was going to be dead long before I reached being aincent and past it, that meast before I was aged 25. I often wonder how that teenage me, would see the me I grew up to be and just how horrified I would have been to see myself now. I know that I was a teen who wanted to grow up at a million miles an hour and that I tried my best to squeeze a life time in before I even left school, but I really did beleive that I wouldn’t make middle age, far less old age. Sometimes I wonder if I knew something about what lay ahead, as my life now would have appeared to the teenage me as worse than dead. Until I became ill I had no idea that there were people out there who lived as I do now, there was nothing I saw, heard or read, that even gave me an indication of my possible future.

So here I sit, unfit for purpose, another way of saying I am disabled, not fit for the life we all imagine will be ours by right, just because we are here. I keep searching for that purpose, the one thing that I can do to make my life productive beyond what I do right now. We all need a purpose, we need to achieve and the worse my health gets the harder it is to find it, or accept it. In the last few months it has been eating away at me, I am finding my daily life harder to feel satisfied with, all to often that much needed feeling of achievement just isn’t there. I don’t know what it is I am looking for, or why I keep questioning what I am doing, but I need something more, I just wish I knew what the more is. I get the most amazing feed back from people for all that I do at the minute on line, but I just feel that I am missing something, that I could be doing something with more impact, something that will pass on the message but allow me to time to just be ill.

Last night I was lieing in bed, my breathing was difficult as the pain round my lower ribs meant that I could only use my upper ribcage to breath. As I tried to relax and breath in a rythem, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would fall asleep but I was looking back on my day and what I saw and felt was disappointment. I had no feeling of achieving anything, just a feeling that there was another day ticked of the list, a day which had fufilled in having passed the time alloceated for a day. I know that I manage to do far more than many but I felt I had done nothing of note, it was a day and life shouldn’t be like that. The number of days I have left are now known and I want to be sure that I have used those days with purpose, that each of them contains pride and acheivment. There will be a point when I won’t be able to achieve anything but I won’t accept that that time is here yet. I want to still make a difference and to complete what I set out to do, but to reach more, not just touching a few. Maybe I am expecting too much, as I am now tired just completeing this post for today, but I’m still crying out just as I always have, there has to be more!