As yesterday passed I didn’t just get tireder, I started to totally crash. I had had a nap in the morning, something I don’t normally do, but I still equally need to sleep in the afternoon and I did, for 3hrs once more. I have to say that I did wake up feeling a lot more refreshed than I expected, not alive and bouncing around the room, but bright enough to take me through the rest of the day without collapsing. Adam was working yesterday as an opportunity for overtime came up and he took it, his first couple of years working at the hospital provided quite a bit of overtime but then last year it vanished totally, so this recent return is more than welcome. When you rely on overtime to keep your head about water, for it to vanish along with my wages, has been really hard. I used to find it really odd when he worked at a weekend, but with my day being in such a routine to find myself alone no doesn’t feel change but it does seem to upset my grip on which day of the week it is. I can foresee the week ahead without even trying, I will not have the slightest idea what day of the week it is. I know it doesn’t really matter if it is Monday or Friday, but it is somehow very unsettling, almost as though I am even further away from reality than I normally feel.
There are strangle little things in life that keep you grounded and aware of and part of, the rest of the world, when you loose one or more then suddenly you are a drift. Our position in the greater mass of life is one of the things that stops us being alone, there is something in us that NEEDS to understand totally who we are, and if you don’t know others are there, existing in the same place as you, then we have nothing to judge ourselves against. Many people find they cannot cope with life without social interaction with others, one of the reasons why there are so many clubs out there for the elderly. For me it isn’t the social interaction that I need, I need structure and the easiest route to that structure is to have my life planned out as thought I am still working. I worked from home for several years before I was made redundant, but in all that time my contact as in speaking to anyone, happened about 4 times I think, everything else was by email. I actually now have more contact with living people since I stopped working than I had when I did, an odd position I guess but that is just the way it was. But within all this lies the need to know what day of the week it is, without that knowledge like anyone else who works, I wouldn’t do the right thing on the right day. I fool myself into still holding if only on the inside, to a belief I still work. I realised a while ago that I was playing some sort of game, but one that worked for me, so I continued, but I also believe that for many others out there the same could work for them.
With my world so tightly connected to my PC and the contact to life is all there on line, which also explain why my PC being ill is getting to me so badly. This wonderful piece of technology is, second only to Adam and Teressa, my concern for it’s health is as deeply felt, just as it would be if it were either of them. Although clearly my PC is still hanging in there, I ran an “Alien Autopsy” on it yesterday and I now have the final piece I was looking for, there are now 21 problems on the hard drive, not programming errors, or anything else that could be easily fixed, these are the death throws of a hard drive. First thing on Monday I will be phoning around to find an engineer who has muscles, my baby is water cooled and weighs a ton, getting it out of it’s corner just so it can be fixed, should be fun.
I heard from Teressa during the week, she called as her Grandfather had died. I was actually very fond of Ron, out of my ex’s family he stands out in my memory as being a good guy in a mad house. Ron like his some had spent many years in the Navy, but was hit just two weeks ago with the news that he had cancer of the liver, caused by asbestos. They ran a lot more tests and it was found that his body was pretty much taken over by it and was given just months to live. So it was a bit of a surprise when he suddenly took a huge dip and was taken back into hospital to die in just hours. It is one of those strange positions that no one prepares you for, but I am sure there are millions out there who have also gone through, how do you respond to news like that. Divorce puts you into positions that you never expected to be in and no one tells you will actually become issues in the future. Of course I had no problem with Teressa’s grief, that was to be expected and caused me no more problems than if it had been the a friend of hers who had died, but I have this strange feeling in myself that says I should be sending flower or a card to his wife. I know it would go straight in the bin as she and I never got on from the day we met, but as I said I liked Ron. I guess it is again this doing the right thing, one of the things that I was brought op to, to be polite. I almost feel that there is a need for a change in how we are taught to deal with this situations, it might even be useful to have a book outlining just how to act with these changes in Etiquette.