I have been told over and over through out my life that I set myself up for people to turn on me, it always comes out of the blue and for what I see no reason at all. I have also been told just how I do it, but does that stop me from a belief in the blanket truth and a desire to insist that everyone has their good side. I can never just turning my back on anyone, even someone who is really a stranger, I have to keep trying. I know that many people just don’t understand the way I feel about life, and many are so used to being fearful of people, that when I jump into there lives with my larger than life demands that the world is wonderful and you have to love everyone attitude, well some will just not get it and use it for some reason into attacking me. It may be because they don’t know or haven’t met anyone like me, or they think I am taking the mickey, but they attack me for reasons I always find hard to find and have to understand. You might of guessed that yes it happened again! Once again I didn’t have the brains to just back off and let them disappear into the distance, I just can’t do that, I have to make things worse by doing what ever I can to explain myself and to find out what it is they don’t understand. By the time you are in your 50’s you would expect that coming across people like this every few months would have taught me something, but it hasn’t. I don’t actually understand why it is that I can’t let people rant and let it go, but I have to always try to stop the rant, answer what they are ranting about and then the big mistake try to change their minds. It doesn’t matter how many times I get beaten up, I do it again and again. I guess it’s just my personality that means I have this desire to spread what I feel about things, I rarely do it through politics or religion that would be asking for trouble, so I do it in every other way possible. What got me into trouble this time, well that’s simple, I was being to nice, to happy and to upbeat? So sorry world, but I would rather live in a world full of happy people than full of depressed and sad ones.
I have to admit and I think I have said it many times in here in different ways, but I have found a new and deeper happiness since I have become housebound. I know, because so many have told me so, that I should be this bitter, angry person who feels nothing but pain, not just physically be mentally, but I just can’t do it. I don’t know at which point it was that I realised that loosing my health and freedom actually gave me back in so many different ways more than enough, to make up for anything I have lost. No it hasn’t made up for the physical pain, nothing can actually do that other than something that takes it totally away, but then you wouldn’t know you had it? Anyway, I honestly believe that if you open yourself up to it, there is always good things to be found everywhere, but you do have to look for it, then life starts to become good again.
I can’t no matter how hard I try find hate inside me, I should, again because I have been told I should, but I can’t. Even those who have most hurt, abused mentally and physically through out my life are long since forgiven. I don’t feel either anger or a need for revenge, those I speak of all know what they did and I don’t need to remind them, as I don’t believe that anyone that can commit evil, will go through life without feeling my pain over and over again, their own conscience will take care of that. May be I am an oddity, but I am a happy oddity and intend to remain as one, I just wish more could acquire the same attitude. I think that is one of the strange things that has changed in my life and that I was trying in away to put into words yesterday, possible not as well as I could have, but every step downwards my health has taken I had climbed up an equal amount on the happiness scale. It is as though life gives back enough to make sure you can still live, if all there was in chronic illness were constant steps downwards, I expect an amazingly high numbers of the chronically ill would commit suicide in the earlier stages of their illness. Your health may be worse, but your contentment and happiness is lifted, by way of compensation allowing you to still find that joy of life we all need to live.
I accept so much in my daily life that it may appear to some that I am giving it, or the opposite a constant fighter, I see myself as neither, all I do is look for the best bits and work with the worst. If like last night I found myself yet again in pain, trying to extend my evening so that I could spend some time with Adam, well I look for the balance point and accept fully when it appears that my time for that day is over and off to bed I go. I do go there cursing the pain, or beating myself up for not being able to stay up, I go there happy for the time we as a couple did have together and content to sleep as it is my relief from pain. This is my life now and I am content, it is the happiness I constantly talk about, happiness is what makes life worth living and I have much of it to fill my days. I feel sorry for those who can’t find it, as they are missing so much and I truly wish that they will eventually.