Pinning down what is important

Penciled in for a phone call this morning is once again the doctor. I woke twice during the night first at 11:25 and second at 7:11, both times I was forced to do my impression of running as I was not only needed to go to the loo, but I had no control to help me get there, the final sign of my having a bladder infection. With that now clear, I also know why I have been still wiped despite the lowering of the temperature. I was actually so wiped yesterday that I phoned Adam at lunchtime to save him the walk down the road, to tell him I wasn’t up to doing my physio. I don’t know if anyone knows the answer to this, but why does a bladder infection manage to make you so ill. You can get loads of other infections but with no real effect, yet so many older people land up in hospital with what is to me at least, just another one of those things? I don’t know if there is any connection, but I do still have the sore at the edge of my lip, something that I have never had in my life before and the piece of skin below my right breast is once again painful and weeping. I can’t help wondering if they are all the same little nasty thing attacking me and spreading to where ever they can find a home. I guess I can find out by asking the doctor when I bother them again. I actually still haven’t completed the form for my benefits, I guess I have to put it at the top of the list once I have everything on line done and dusted for the day.

There is always a problem when you live your life on so many meds that it actually gets a bit difficult to be able to be exact with all the different things you are feeling. I guess that wouldn’t make sense to someone who isn’t ill, so let me explain. Right now I am on a medication that is supposed to make the mucus that we all have in our lungs less sticky, so that I can cough it up and help to keep my lungs clear. I have never really been someone who has a productive cough, even though I am a smoker, to me coughing up phlegm means I have bronchitis. Right now I am coughing up gunk leaves me unsure as to is this just the medication actually working, or do I have a chest infection to go with the rest of the things happening to me? I expect it is the medication, but I can’t be sure anymore than anyone else without a stethoscope could be. I often feel that I need a collection of simple medical instruments, not because I am paranoid, well everyone is if we are all honest, but so that I don’t actually waste the time of the doctors. Every tablet that is added into the list of medication you are already on, will change how the other work to some degree, being able to check and know what is normal to me, then being able to check if there are changes, would save me from trying to work things out on a guesstimate. I actually think it could be really useful for most people with a chronic illness, as it wouldn’t only put our minds at rest, but it would also highlight changes and mean that things that need treated, would be spotted sooner rather than later. So OK it could be a heaven given tool to a hypochondriac, but the more that we are being asked to manage our own medical care, the more we actually as individuals really need to know what is correct and what isn’t. It could also be added to a simple online chart which you can add your daily reading to and then would flag up when there really is time to call for assistance. I’m getting carried away again, maybe I should just ask to take over the NHS as clearly I could do it better and cheaper than they do. LOL. Seriously though, I do actually think there could be a real value for many of us.

I didn’t speak to Adam yesterday about sorting out all he things that need to be done as once again I was to wiped to have such a detailed conversation. I do actually think that it should be a weekend talk, that ways regardless of other things happening over the day, we will be able to pick up easily where we left off. We actually did start it on the Tuesday that Teressa was due to be here, once again it was very much the wrong time to even start thinking about it. I saw then the passion that Adam had about so many aspects we touched on, just as I did, I also saw the pain we shared and were caused each other, simply because we had stayed silent, but the whole thing had to be stopped as the doorbell rang, we never picked up on it again. It is strange how two people can live together for so many years and not actually even see or realise there are a million of important conversations that you just don’t have. It is as thought we want to protect the other without realising that they are in the same pain and anxiety as we are ourselves. I have seen it before and I have heard it from others, there is a fact that exists in every partnership, a desire to protect the other. We stay silent carrying such pain around with us, but saying nothing. Only to find that years later that the other was in just as much pain as we were. I doubt that we as creatures will ever get past this madness, because if we just spoke, life would be so much simpler. Out of our desperation to protect all we are actually doing is making thing worse. That is why I want to talk now as I want to put to rest all those things that we avoid, I want us to open all those cans filled with feelings and words that remain still stacked. No one wants to talk about the what if’s, talking means they may well be real and they will actually happen, but if we don’t talk, well what do you do when a what if, become today? What do you do when a what if, can no longer be asked, as there is now no one to answer it?

Those few minutes that we spoke that day showed me someone who had not wanted to ask and was carrying just as much fear, as I saw for the first time. May be we should all look for that fear in those we love, say something in passing and really look and listen to the answer. I bet many of you will find a partner just as scared as mine is. I bet many will also open a box filled with ‘what if’s’, they had packed away. I also bet many will find inside themselves, more ‘what if’s’ than they realised they had packed away in cans, for someday in the future. May be it is time we all find a can opener.