Changing those levels

I had a great opening line, one that just sang out how I felt this morning, but now, it’s gone. Not only do I not remember it, I can’t even remember why I would need to describe today as anything other than Monday. I do know that this morning started well apart from having to get up half an hour early to go to the loo, you would expect that if you were desperate to empty you bladder it would then comply with the idea, it doesn’t, but why should I expect my body ever to do just the simplest of acts. It was still a good starts as once I managed to get out of bed, even with the lift not as easy as you would think. I find myself often not due to pain, but simply due to the fact that the muscles I need just don’t want to do what they were designed for, but once up I was surprised to find myself not pain free, but with very low levels. I do find it increasingly annoying that my strength just isn’t there any more. You want to carry out what should be a simple tiny action and you can’t, nothing happens, as you try again and again, often something that works in itself, by using an increasing rolling or stretchering action you eventually hit the pivot point and your off. At other times there is only one choice, give up and try it in an other direction or do something else totally, then come back to it later. I can hear voices saying why don’t I ask for help, but help is often the exact thing you don’t need, as if you give in, eventually no muscles will work at all. I have to use what is there, just to keep it at a useless level but still a level way above stopped.

Once I was actually through here I began to think that they had gotten the weather forecast wrong, I was sure last night they said it was going to be unbearably hot again, but the sky was clouded thickly and there was even moisture on the ground. Yesterday we were ready for the heat and the blinds at the front of the house weren’t opened at all, all I did was open the windows. Adam pulled a few faces but he realised quickly that it made a difference and thankfully he went along with it, I know he loves the sunlight filling the house but I really can’t deal with it any longer. Now the sun is out, the sky is blue and I guess out there the temperature levels are already rising. It will be a couple of hours more before it finds our living room windows but I am ready for it with the first one down already. It seems the worse my illnesses get the more forward planning is needed just to live a normal life, imagine your life filled with just the small problems that I have written to this point today. It’s not the pain or the huge scary things like breathing that dominate your life and cause the biggest problems. In just the last 6 months I have gone from being able to walk not to badly as the start of the day, getting worse as the day goes on, to walking like an 80 yr old on the mornings like today. Imagine looking in your mirror and seeing not you any longer, but your grandmother looking back, as pain drains your youth and adds on new years all the time. Illness makes every single day a trial of ingenuity, a test of your will power and a measure of your ability to just get on with it and live.

I know that I need today to get to work on that form and to phone my doctor for the letter I need from him, but he isn’t usually available to talk to until around 11am, I just need to keep an eye on the clock. I also need to do some shopping today, first for food but now for our first major household purchase we have made since I stopped working. There is something wrong with our tumble dryer, it keeps over heating and cutting out and as it has to be 8yrs ole now, I think the best idea is to no waste money on an engineer but just buy a new one. They aren’t usually too expensive really, it is just the zero income that makes me flinch. I do still have some money in the bank, something I made sure I had from my redundancy. The law allows us to have some savings and still claim benefits, at first it was easy to keep as close to the limit, but there have been a few unavoidable nibbles this year. I was just planning in my head how to bring it back up when this happens, but that’s life I suppose. It’s funny how the money is there for exactly this sort of reason, but I am so reluctant to actually spend it, what else I would want to do with it I don’t know, but a nest egg is there for a rainy days, not just to look at and smile.

On Saturday I received a phone call from my option as it’s 18 months since my eyes were last tested, I am very aware that they are going down hill again so it really is time that they came out to test them. I have two pairs one for watching TV and the other for reading, something I don’t really do often, so I am wanting them to change that prescription to use here at my PC, I can see without a doubt that both are needed, but as I have the frames it will keep the cost down. The last time they came here the worst bit was all the stuff they brought with them, it actually took them longer to set up than it did to test my eyes. I believe they will be here around 4ish so it won’t interfere with my routine too much, I will just have my nap early. Another nibble off the money in the bank!

It seems ill health nibbles away at everything you can imagine, apart from the bathroom scales that is, believe me I wouldn’t mind that one at all. Don’t get me wrong, life isn’t bleak and depressing, it’s just different and in it’s own way it’s fun. You just have to wipe away all the values you once had and set up a list of new ones, new ones special to you, just forget that goal of climbing Mount Everest.