Slid down a level, or up a step?

I woke a 5am today, again it was terrible pain in my left foot. Both a point on the outside left of my left foot and the right side of my big toe were screaming at me with acute sliced through feeling. It was so similar to the problem I had a couple of months ago that at first I cursed my toenails for needing cutting, but when I checked that wasn’t the problem. When I thought it had calmed down enough I climbed back into bed only to discover the root cause, pressure! The pain in my heel was at the exact point that my foot rests on, and the weight of the duvet sits on my toe when lying on my back, which is the only place I can lie, as both sides are to painful. It was just a few weeks ago that I wrote about how I understood the reason for bedsores developing now that I can no longer roll over, and how I didn’t seem to have any problems, may be I should keep quiet about what hasn’t happened to me yet! I guess I will just have to wait and see how things go and hope it was a one off fluke and it will vanish as quickly as it appeared.

My dropping the “Touching Space” blog made a huge difference as I hoped it would, with the problems I am having just now it is taking me longer and longer to complete both of my blogs, a couple of months ago it was about 45 mins each but yesterday it was well over 3 hours just for one. But I still had time to finish everything else and have my shower, and have a little time to myself to wind down before Adam came home. I am in no way intending to drop it for every, just long enough to let me get myself sorted out. This means that yesterday wasn’t a fair measure as I washed my hair and so on, things that tier me, but I did feel just that bit more together than I have for several weeks now.

Once again Adam and I didn’t speak about any of this last night but that was totally down to me, I suppose I am hoping that he is reading and that will break the water. It’s not that I don’t want to talk or I am scared to it is just all down to my stupid memory. No matter how hared I try all the things I want to talk about vanish, just like when talking to anyone my brain puts this strange lid over every thing on my topic list, leaving me sitting there with nothing to say. Writing allows me to go slowly, stopping, thinking, rereading and working through making sure none of it is missed, I can’t do that face to face, I just forget and slip into a stuttered mess, and land up saying that we have spoken about it all when we have scrapped the surface, if we have actually even done that I would be surprised. That’s why I hate doctors, I don’t think I can ever in my life been to see a doctor and mentioned all the things I wanted to. Making lists doesn’t seem to work either, as I can’t put the feelings into a list, or give myself the space to explain as I would them be sitting trying to pull it all back in my mind. I actually wish that I could do what I am now, write it all down, as an article or essay and then send it to them to read and then answer the questions that they have, we might then actually be able to get everything covered. Even now I am at my usual point in my morning trip through the day before, knowing full well there were several things I wanted to write about which have conveniently hidden themselves, just when I want them.

I just went to get a glass of coke and while I was on my feet went to clean my teeth, I remembered one of them then, well it reminded me. Like most people who are right handed I picked up and squeezed the toothpaste tube with my left hand, I couldn’t do it. Slowly over the last week or so the grip of my left hand has been getting worse again, if the tube had been fuller I think I would have gotten away with it, but half full and I can’t. So then started the knot of arms, toothbrush and toothpaste, it is actually incredibly difficult to do something even that simple when you have to do it the wrong way round, not helped as my left hand would close tightly around the handle of the toothbrush, it is also as I remember from the time of the dead left arm that it usually leads to toothpaste everywhere, believe me for a person who wears nothing but black, it is not a good look. The grip and strength in my hand is one of the things that never totally returned, and was the reason that stopped me using my wheelchair. It has become one of the victims in the list of things just going wrong right now, I had noticed that carrying a glass or lifting it full with my left hand, just hasn’t been right. The strength, grip and dexterity have all gone downward recently, not massively, but enough for me to be more than aware of.

While working my way through the above I also remember another and that has been swallowing, I have had problems with this on and off but in the same time period as everything else slipping this has too. Things that I should be able to swallow are getting stuck, and I have to force them back up and try again. I know that happens to everyone at times, but this has increased again by enough for me to notice, I don’t think a day passes without my finding myself in a battle. I think one of the reasons I notice it is because I all to often find myself in a battle which is including breathing, there is no coordination between swallow, breath, clear throat and that can happen when all that is in my throat is a bubble of air. I have to put conscious effort into sorting each one out and then continuing. Again an old friend back on the first level again.

Everything has either moved up a step, or returned, that is probably the best way of explaining, which I hadn’t come up with until just now. Take every symptom I have ever had, those that had gone silent, are now back, all the others have stepped up a level, or if you prefer slid down a step. Take your pick, but all of it is worse.