Admissions

I had no excuse last night but I once again retreated to my horizontal heaven at about 8:20, Adam was in the kitchen washing the glasses that had piled up, I won’t put them in the dish washer as it seems to destroy them regardless what they claim on the packet. I knew he would be there for about another half hour, so I took the opportunity as once again I was not only drained but I was in enough pain to decide that I couldn’t take any more for the day. Not only were my arms and feet burning and painful, but when I lay down I was horrified by the fact that my torso was also burning from below my bust to my pelvic. That has never ever happened before, yes my hands, arms, legs and feet, but the main area of my body never, it was rather upsetting to be honest. One of those moments that a tear appears without out you noticing as you brain is screaming at you “what is this?”, “why?”, “no”, “I can’t have this as well”, “This isn’t right”, all speeding through and running in circles in disbelief. I ran my hands over the new area as I know that occasionally you can trick the nerves into shutting up by giving them something real to feel and it partially worked, calming things down just a bit.

I lay there for a while waiting for something else to happen, trying to work out why, I had no answer to that any more than I have for any of the rest of the things that happen, but new things are upsetting. This is the fourth night recently that I have now had odd sensations across the front of my body, and for good measure as the burning was at its worst, ice cold lightening ran down my spine and sort of shattered out across my back, then vanished. Clearly there is something happening with my nerves at that minute, everything seems to be heightened and working hard to keep me guessing as to why. I did my normal trick of making myself not move, not even a finger and force every muscle I could to relax, it took longer than usual as well shutting muscles up is one thing shutting my mind up is another.

The alarm woke me as normal and once in the kitchen I went to fill the kettle to find that my right arm didn’t have the strength to hold it alone, I could lift it but pain shot up the underside of my arm, there is the proof of the feeling I have had in the last few day of my strength draining is true. I had had problems last night when I was making my Gin and tonic, the Gin bottle was almost full so there for heavy, but I had to use two hand to carry the glass to the living room. Last night wasn’t the only time I found the glass heavy just to lift it for a drink, that has been a growing problem, and if I am honest, one that has increased daily now for a couple of weeks. All those doubts I have voiced in the past few weeks, the little clues and hints I have written, well the hints now end. Statement, my arms are getting weaker and more painful daily, I am having real problems of lack of strength through out my body and there chosen position is just being there doing nothing. There I have said it! Admissions are difficult as we all lie to ourselves all the time, so saying it to others is even harder at times.

After so many years of living with all these damned conditions you would think that I would be able to admit when things are changing, which they are. I think I have been trying to cover as much as I can as this is a major problem in the making, for now I can manage but well the outcome of continuing in the way things are is clear. If it was just one side of my body, I wouldn’t be worrying about it, as I have plans for a one sided attack. I have proved that loosing one arm isn’t the end and I can still cope alone with just one hand, my plans even deal with loosing one leg, but not any more than that. All I can do is monitor it, I already know from personal experience nothing can be done. So yes Adam, I have had the odd day recently were I have smoked a bit more than normal, you now know why, but worrying about things has a habit of doing that to me.

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