The appointment for endoscope has arrived, it is on the 14th of next month. At least with this one there is now need to drink huge amounts of nasty cleaner, I just have to not eat for 4hrs, which I know I can do with ease. Unfortunately it is an afternoon appointment again so I may well have problems getting home again. Each time I have been to the hospital those I have spoken to have all said that if your appointment is in the morning it is far easier to get home than it is later in the day, my one late appointment proved that perfectly.

I really seem to have settled in a pattern again, from time to time this happens, a set collection of symptoms seem to take over and they dominate my life for a while. They normally start slowly, rise to a high level and stay around for about a month, at the tale end of that month some others take over. Having said that it has to be at least a couple of months now that I have been totally unable to stay up past 9pm, but I am driven to bed as I have simply had enough of the constant pain by that time. Although my legs and insides are still annoying, it really is my arms that get to me at night. Just sitting on the settee I simply don’t know what to do with them. It doesn’t seem to matter where I put them, how I cradle them or massage and rest them, they simply don’t shut up. Any and all pain is bearable if it is at a low level, even quite painful things can be endured when they stay constant and you know that is the way they are. When so many different types of pain are in the same place at the same time, taking turns and vying with each other all the time, well it grinds you down quite quickly.

Chronic pain is hard for all and I guess we all have our pet pain we hate the most. I have heard others saying that it is the constant pain that they find hard to live with, personally constant pain is the easy one. Any pain that is in the same place at the same level is then under control, it isn’t changing it isn’t making things any worse than they are and in someways they are the comfort pains. I bet that sounds mad, comfort pains, what I mean by that is they are the pains that let me know my condition is reasonably settled. If they suddenly changed and got worse and nothing settles them again then that is the time to consider upping my meds. Remain as they are I can deal with them.

What I find the hardest to deal with are those that appear and spend all there effort in getting my attention. Shooting pains, spasms and numbness all together, pains that react to movement that interfere with the simple act of living, are the ones I really hate. They are the pains that stop you from doing what you want, they interfere in your life and disrupt everything. They are also the ones that I now know there is no way of handling so all you can do is get on with it. Getting more and more frustrated as the day goes on, day after day until they get fed up and shut up. If I could find a ways of dealing with them, I would be a lot happier in my day by day life, every day is spent waiting to see what they are going to do to me next, just as I am now.