One day on and I still don’t remember what I was so desperate to write about yesterday, but last night I went through the identical strange sensations apart from the wriggly thing, that didn’t happen. I have to admit I did find myself wondering if I had some sort of worm, clearly I have watched to many of those documentaries about the strange things people have inside them. I suppose we all think strange thought when strange things happen.
I have been tracking the pain, numbness and spasms in both my hands now for a few weeks as I have mentioned recently there have been a lot more pain and numbness going on. I am in no doubt that they are getting worse over all, not just in their peaks but over a whole day there is a clear progression showing that they are really getting worse. I have noticed recently as well that they are showing more and more signs of what I suppose is withering, they now have that look of being thin and weak, especially from the elbow down. I wear two layers of clothing over them, so it is really only when I have my shower that I really get the chance to see them, the other day I actually stopped and stared, as it hadn’t registered before. I have for many months been able to see the same had happened to my lower legs, but neither I suppose were unexpected. It isn’t just the fact they aren’t used a lot any longer but it is also part of MS it withers muscles. It’s kind of strange though to see, as I have ample fat around the trunk of my body and these rather strange thin dangle things by my side. The same fat cover is still clear on my thighs and upper arms, but the actual muscle tone and bulk is getting less as well. It is now easy to hold onto the fat layer as though it is no longer attached to the muscle below.
Looking at myself these days in a mirror isn’t something I do a lot of as I have lost totally the person who was there just 10 years ago, well to be honest just 5 yrs ago. Being housebound has destroyed how I look and it is rather hard to accept that no matter what I do, nothing looks any better. Logic alone should tell you that no exercise means no muscle tone, but I have always been a really active person, a bluebottle and I were well matched according to many people that I knew, now it feels more like a slug. All of our bodies age and we can’t stop that, but illness speeds all of that up, there are no real exercises I can do, even the simplest cause more pain and fatigue, and it’s hard to make yourself do something that might be good for you long term, but bad at that second. All your life you have worked on the logical system learned in early childhood, that if it causes pain, it is something you shouldn’t do, I am inclined to continue using that logic. I saw the MS physiotherapists about 4 yrs ago and she said there was nothing they can do to help me any longer, part of me wants to prove them wrong and part of me says they should know what they are talking about.
I know from seeing others who’s illness has progressed further than mine, that the impact on how I look has only just begun. I have seen so many frail and withered people who at the time I put ages to, that I know see was probably totally wrong. It’s just another thing that MS steals from our lives, I could make jokes and say well at least my memory may fail me bad enough that I might forget seeing it at all, or brush it off with well on the scale of things does it really matter. Ask anyone if this happened to them would they be comfortable with it, male or female I would expect the answer to be no. I do at times worry about the future and the fact that so much will be out of my control. Adam will eventually be responsible for my appearance, he will have to do silly things like dyeing my hair, which is very long, having to wash it and sort it the way I like it. He will have to know how to put on my make up when someone is coming to the house, to dress me and some how to do it all the way I like it. They may all be small things, but our appearance is a very personal and important for our own well being, and something I think will be incredibly difficult to hand over to another, even if that is someone I love and trust.