Relief

It looks as though it is going to be a day of pain. 3 hours into my hours of being awake and my left leg is already volunteering for amputation. Everything didn’t seem that bad when the alarm sounded, but I think I had one sock on and my toes just into the second when it all began. It varies each day when it kicks in, I’m not saying that I sometimes feel full of energy and without pain, there is always a low level or background pain, but the stuff I want rid of varies as to when it actually makes itself known. This morning my left leg started early and by the time I have sorted out all the little things needed to be done before actually really being awake, it was screaming loudly. Now I am sat here, with not one part of it pain free, there is the background and the searing pains all over the place for my toes and soles upward to the top of my thigh. I know I often joke about amputating different parts of me, but when I described my foot having a feeling like it was in a marshmallow sock or numbness with the pain in side, the pain clinic Doctor said that nerves do that, they make it feel as thought thing like feet are bigger than they are. He added in that it was just like people who have lost a limb feel as thought it is still there. I can’t imagine how cheated I would feel to be absent from the offending limb, but to still feel that every bit of the pain was still there, in the same places as thought it hadn’t been removed at all.Like most jokes there is a grain of truth behind it because yes I do sometimes feel that I would be better off without the actual area that is causing me a problem, but take that to it’s ultimate and with in a week I would be a quadrupedal amputee.

Last night, again, it was my arms that were proving that their nerves system was in place and working to it’s fullest mad setting it could. Although the most dramatic pain the ones that make me jump and grab hold of them are in my arms, it is my fingers that I find the most upsetting. Just sitting watching TV with Adam beside me, sounds a relaxing way to end my day, but it is a mixed feeling to be honest. I can no longer sit on the settee in comfort, it is too soft and too low, so Adam moves my gel cushion and adds my inflatable one on top, from their daytime location here on my office chair. The two together raise me about 4 inches, so I am perched slightly above his level, although we are beside each other. By that time of day I have pains all over the place, so much so that I can’t sit back in comfort, I land up leaning my elbow on my knees and hunching into a doubled up position. A position that I am sure doesn’t help much with the pains in my lower legs and in my arms, but there is no position that works better, so what can I do?

I spend a couple of hours every evening in this odd position because I want to be beside my husband and not on the other side of the room. No where is pain free so like my entire life it is a pay off system, to do what I want means accepting something will hurt, I just have to decide which is more bearable, not fulfilling my need or my ability to take the discomfort, more often or not I accept the pain. Life shouldn’t be that way but that is were I am, what can I really do about it, nothing. Yesterdays blog was fired by much I have written here, I now know that I have few options when it comes to my pain control, increasing my MST is the only thing that will be of help in the future. The effect will be a fuzzed up brain, fuzzed brain means less computer time, less TV time, more sleep time. I have to weigh up what my needs are, can I really deal with the pain and still have the things that make my life happy, or do I reduce the pain and reduce my happiness. It’s a hard one. At this second I cope, but will I in a weeks time, to a months time or a years time. I just don’t know and I don’t like not knowing how to deal with things, I am used to having some sort of control over. I guess it is just going to take sometime for me to sort this all out in my head. I will sort it out, I know I will.