Arguments inside

I have been reading through old entries in this blog, it is hard for me to get my head round just how much I have written in one year, mind you if you write everyday if is bound to add up quite quickly. When you sit down everyday with a purpose that says you have to write exactly and truthfully, how you feel and what has happened in the last 24 hours, it may sound either really simple or really difficult. To begin with it was both, but now it is part of my life and like any daily ritual, you do it without a great deal of thought. Luckily it has become one of those rituals like eating, that I actually enjoy. I know I have said it a million times but finding things that you enjoy is really important, yesterdays blog kind of told me that again as I was left thinking about my future and wondering if I should just bit the bullet and try once again to get to grips with the program I have on my PC which allows me just to talk rather than type. I tried a few years ago to get the stupid thing to understand me but I wasn’t getting far, as I don’t know if it is my accent or my stutters and slurs, but what it typed and what I said were totally different things. As much as I love technology I also find it can cause more frustration that it is actually worth. I know that the program I have is several years old now, but it is so hard to find the right one for you without spending huge amounts of money, on something that may not work. I have taken many speech programs over the years on free trial, some on recommendation from others, but with the time it takes to get them to work for me is often longer than the trial. Those restrictions of course grew when I lost my income, so what I have is what I will have to use, like it or not.

There is though for me at least a big block in the way, it’s silly but I expect I am not alone in the fact that I don’t want to set up the things I might need in the future before I really do need it. It is a bit like if I worked on the program so it was perfect for me, it was then an invitation for my hands to stop working. Stupid to the nth degree, admittedly, but I can’t help feeling like that. Right now I could have grab bars around the house, walking frames and so on, all here to help me, but I can manage well enough without them. It isn’t just that I don’t want our home to look like a hospital, it is also that if they were there, I would disintegrate somehow faster than I am already doing. Getting past that has been impossible all the way through, I’m not sure though if it is coming from my pigheaded side or if it is coming out of fear of facing the future. Being an ostrich is all part of being human I suppose, but like the day I had to give in an accept my wheelchair, well it is painful. It’s pain that I can do without.

The other thing that I don’t like and that is what I am doing right now, arguing with myself, that was also what I did on the lead up to my wheelchair. Is this arguing actually all part of my admitting I need more help. By degree over the last couple of months, which I suppose even to the outsider reading between the lines, I have been constantly arguing. I have been slowing bit by bit admitting that I am moving downwards in everything, laying out what has changed and what is getting hard to do. None of my muscles are as strong as they were compared to a few months ago. Right now I can sight a perfect example, I have just been to the kitchen to fill my coke glass and fetch a biscuit as well. Stretching up into the fridge to put a new bottle in place to cool and then stretching the same arm to pick up the pack of biscuits from the cupboard, has left my are exhausted. Add in how my legs feel and I am a mess after one small journey to another room and back. But I am not mentally ready to give in, to admit to myself, far less the medics that I am failing to cope.

I don’t understand why I can write this but not talk about it, putting it down in words anyone can read, is admitting it, but it doesn’t feel that way. I haven’t had that discussion and I don’t really want to, I know 100’s read daily, yet there is still a feeling that this is private, just between you and me, and no one else. I guess that arguing is going to go on a little longer, it’s just my way of settling thoughts in my mind and for now they are anything but.