New leg please!

Well it happened I woke up this morning early because of the pain! What is it they say about don’t mentions something or it will happen, my fault then I guess. It was extreme nerve pain that got me and it still hasn’t totally gone away, just eases for a while then bang, it is back again. It feel like I have a red hot piece of iron stuck into the my left instep as far as it will go but being stopped by a plat, equally hot searing the bottom of my foot from my instep to my heal, with a little extra boost to the right side of my heal. If that isn’t enough the top of my foot is numb but the same sharp pain is running up my shin bone to just below my knee. It isn’t made worse by standing, which took me a while to find out as my instinct said that standing would make it a lot worse, but no, it is just the same, which is rather odd. It’s now 3hours since it woke me and although it has eased in it’s intensity it hasn’t gone and with each wave of improvement I want to go back to sleep, then it flies back at me with revenge. I have had much much milder versions of this over the last 6 months or so, but this has gone from level 2 pain to level 10 in one move, one of those situations where under my breath I am begging the world to just cut it off and give me peace!

It has been a while since I have had pain this bad, I wrote a few days ago about a bad bout of nerve pain, I haven’t actually had peace from it since, the difference is that is a pain that came and goes in a few seconds, this is static and although it calms it isn’t going away and it seems to be causing mild spasms in my calf muscle as well. I really don’t like that leg at all at the minute, and I really wish it would stop. I have had a lot of numbness in my left foot recently and much of that is still there today, I managed earlier to press my fingers into my heal and although until I touched it, it felt as though it was burning, when I pushed on it I discovered that the burning isn’t actually on the surface of the skin, but it is about 2 centimeters inside, the actual outer layer is numb, then the mad burning and sharp gouging feeling beyond that. I keep moving about and changing position, but all that changes is the pain in my thigh, which I know is a long standing pressure problem. Spend your life sitting and you simply can’t expect anything else. Although I have taken all my meds I am really tempted to take a boost on my MST, but I’m not sure that that would help much, as taking a fresh dose has only mildly changed it.

I guess I am not going to be a happy bunny today so apologies in advance to anyone who gets a curt answer from me, but I don’t feel particularity sociable right now. Anyone who lives with pain I am sure will tell you very much what I am going to say and that is we try to not let it effect our mood but it’s hard not to. Even when you think you are covering things up well things you say and they way you say them are changed by the pain levels. It is one of many reasons why have a job is difficult, people make excuses and exceptions for you, but that isn’t something everyone will do for ever and to be honest why should they. Being surrounded by people who are demanding things of you, when you are fighting like mad against the pain and to keep your mind on your work, can very easily just become too much and without meaning to, you will snap at someone. I have to admit that I was relieved to be working at home in the end as I didn’t have to deal with others. I didn’t have to think what I was saying and how I was saying it, as nearly all contact was by email and I had time to think about, and how I was replying. I think all to often that people like me stop working not because they can’t deal with their illness, but they can’t cope with their illness and interactions with people. The combination is one thing to many to expect anyone to actually manage for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, it take a miracle to get through all that time without upsetting someone. I really have now given up all hope of getting a job, I haven’t even had a polite reply to any of my emails for over 4 months, I am ignored totally now. I guess I just don’t fit what anyone is looking for and why when there is such a huge pool of people at all levels looking for work, a person with a problem is easy to dismiss from the selection process.