Well I know I am sat here and I know that it is Friday but it all seems wrong, not for any terrible reason but because I am in that state that even you are probably in the post Christmas muddle. We are adjusting to work returning into the equation and trying hard to get back to normal but with the holidays fall mid week, everything is wrong, as tomorrow is the weekend again. At this moment I am sure there are thousand of people with cognitive problems worse than mine totally lost as to what is happening and why. Some things are always easy to grasp, but when the world does it’s best to confuse us it, what chance do we really have.
Last night yet again the wall collapsed at just before 9 and once more I climbed into oblivion, leaving Adam to spend the rest of the evening on his own. I had spent most of yesterday chasing my own tail and never quite catching up, at times I struggle to write a post that makes sense, without jumping about too much, it doesn’t always flow and if I don’t read it back, some amazing things appear on their own. That is just part of the problem of having a concentration ability of a flee, distraction lives in every second and will, given the slightest opportunity, take over. I think the moving about of what happens on what day actually has made it worse, having Adam around when he shouldn’t be, snoring on the settee, had me distracted all the time in the last few days. In a strange way each snore was a small distraction, like a permission to look at something else, check something else, read something else and forget just what I was doing. In just a few days I had become this bitty person, doing a dozen things and none with any skill. With things back to normal for just two days, doesn’t feel like normal, it feels like I am in pause mode waiting to be distracted again by the normal and trying hard to continue it without the prompt. There is a feeling of being just a little bit lost. I think that I will be really glad when Monday arrives and I really get myself back into a routine that will last.
I have noticed before that when I get more tired that my concentration has gone with it, just like now I suppose. It makes sense if you think about it, you nor I could sit down 10 minute before falling into a deep sleep and study Quantum Physics, then expect to remember any of it. It is another bit of the problem that being tired has, holding a conversation when I want to go to my bed is normally a confusing thing in itself. I just don’t hear things and to deal with the TV and Adam at the same time, ties me up in knots. He will start talking and I registered the voice, but not the words, and I constantly have to ask him to repeat what he said. Even then I may not take it in or understand what he is saying, as though my brain doesn’t want to work it out, because it would rather be asleep. I am not being rude or trying to cut out his existence but I can’t help it, sleep really pushes everything else out. Just as I feel right at this second finding the words for a sentence is becoming a trial, right now I need once again to have some sleep but I have things to still do before I can. I am being tempted to run and experiment, to take just one day and go with what my body wants, to turn off the alarm, ignore my routine and see just how much I would really sleep and how I would feel, if I did just what my body wants, rather than my brain. It is tempting but also scarey, as I know how much I need my routine, but I am wondering if my routine is actually now wrong and needs changing. I need to think about it a bit more, as it could really do more harm than good.