Controlling Reality

Another night when I ran to my bed as soon as the TV let me,it’s mad the way that we let that box in the corner rule our lives. I know you will say why not record but I record all evening all evening the best of what I’m not watching, that way I have reasonably good stuff to watch during the day. I was really in a mess yesterday and the day before from about lunch time onwards, just like both day’s I really don’t feel that bad at the minute, but I am just waiting for my brain to shut down and for me to get lost in a fog filled cavern with custard up to my waist. I couldn’t order my thoughts or manage to keep getting things done, I just went round and round in circles, not completing things and not knowing what to do next. When things are that bad it is a strange place to be, on some levels you don’t care as what is there really to care about, I’m alive and able to situp so I’m OK, but then there is this feeling that I am out of control and I have no way of sorting it all out. I feel numb and as though there is the huge bag of cotton wool around me, keeping the outside world away from me, but not allowing me to get through when I want to. I sort of float from one place to another pulling myself in line for a few minutes, then loosing the control again, and I am just waiting for the day to pass as fast as it can so that maybe tomorrow I will find my personal balance again.

I am sure that many people spend their lives there and I maybe I will one day to, and would that really be that bad? To be honest that is a hard question to answer, when I am clear enough to think it all through and what it would really mean then maybe at this level I could live there. If it was worse then yes it is that bad, and it is not a place I want to be, now or in the future. There are these levels of acceptance, marks in the sand that I don’t want to cross without a way back, anything is acceptable if it is limited, if you have the reward waiting at the other side, that there are good spells to take shelter in. Without those clear areas, it is really hard to know what it would be like there for ever and more intensely than anything I have been through so far. What I do know is if I was in the really bad phase, worse than what I have now, I would need someone with me all the time and that is the place I don’t want to think about. Strangely it is actually something that I and others would have to measure it by would be a case of do I have enough about me not to put myself in danger, as in not burning the house down by trying to cook something, rather than looking at the things I can do. I just had this silly image in my head of myself sitting on the floor in front of our gas fire with a pan, if I’m that out of it, please world line up to shoot me.

Everything seems to gang up on me when I am in that type of mess, it is almost as though it is a conspiracy by my entire body, the pain levels rise all over me. The other day I mentioned needing to use my catheters again well they are part of it as well, everything just stops working. Last night when I went to bed the pain everywhere was nuts and that included all the pressure and pain spots across my entire abdomen, proof to me that my bowel problems are all part of my MS. The only thing that was no worse or changed in any way were my lungs, but this morning when I woke my throat was tickly for the first time, once I had had my coffee it settled and now it actually feels a lot clearer, so not part of but possibly the catalyst. I am tired this morning just as I have been every morning recently and again I want my bed, so I guess I am heading for another afternoon and evening just hanging in there until I can sleep out the remaining hours and a new day has begun.

I know that the likely hood is that this is just a phase, or a flare coming from my chest. I know that in a week or so, I will probably have actually forgotten that it even happened, as that is the way my life is and one of the reasons that I write, as Adam reads and he will always be able to find the information that Doctor needs in here, even if my memory can’t find it in my head. Right now I have bad spasms in my left leg and I can feel the fog moving in minute by minute, so good bye controllable reality, we seem to be slipping a part again.