I was talking to Adam a few days ago when it came to mind that when I had all my pain problems and fatigue that the doctors either ignored or put down to depression, the one thing they all did was to put me on to Amitriptyline, in the 80’s that was the favored drug for depression, these days it is used as part of the pain control system and that is why I am on it now. I can see now why they kept telling me I was depressed as once on the drugs I felt better, I felt better because the pain was under some control, not because they had cured my non existent depression. It was one of those light bulb moments, two thing clicked together in my mind and suddenly made sense. Things like that happen from time to time, look back isn’t something I do a lot, when I am on my own it is more frequent that the past appears through conversation, or due to a TV program, but it is always relief to find an answer even 20 or 30 years later.
Time and time again people talk to me about living with pain and how I manage it, and how I feel having to live with it. Strangely in my quite moments it isn’t the pain that I focus on, it is my inability to do what I want, when I want. All the drugs I take do help a lot with controlling the pain and it really is a fact that most of the time it is a dull ache, unless the spasms start and them I know all about it, just as it was years ago before they gave me my first cocktail. Drugs help with the background or constant pain if you like, those sudden attacks, and I use that word to it’s fullest, there is nothing that helps, or at least not that they have given me. The majority of the time I live with pain that I can’t get rid of, but I will say with total confidence that without the drugs, I doubt I would be writing, as I doubt I would be able to do anything. As it is now, well I can live with it, I just wish I didn’t have to.
Pain is only part of my life as I said to be honest if I could bring back something I have lost it would be my mobility and fatigue that I would fix first. To have enough energy and ability to just clean the house, even slowly would mean the world to me. If I could turn the clock back even 5yrs, when I was already housebound, but I could do all the daily things I needed and wanted to do, that would be my greatest wish! I know most people dream of getting rid of the housework but we are all different and that really is my wish if I found a Gennie. The less you can do the more the small things become important, I know some will think I would be more likely to have said that I would want to be able to get out of my house, but that involves so many small wishes, to get to the final big one, it is a huge wish, so huge that I would in fact be wishing to be totally well again. A nice thought but not one that will ever happen, small steps are more realistic. I am not sure what the pain clinic will be able to do for me, but pain or not, it won’t be enough to give me back my freedom, as pain is not the only problem, it is just one of many.