Friday seems to have taken a lot out of me, it is always the knock on that is more the issue than how I feel at the time. MS seems to let you cope, then kick you repeatably for even having tried to. I suppose it will all take a few days to settle, my routine didn’t exist last week and there were quite simply too many changes to deal with, I know I will get there but these are those hidden moments, the bits that others don’t see. I don’t think my gut liked the treatment at all, I am finding it now rather painful in strange places and clearly not happy with the food I have been putting into it. I can point to the exact positions where my breakfast, dinner and tea are, and I can tell you the pain and nausea is clear, I suppose part of it will be the ruff process of pushing the scope, some bruising and so on I expect, but most is empty space syndrome, gaps of air and crashing food.
I spent all of yesterday feeling half here and half longing to be anywhere else, especially asleep. I did at least get my afternoon nap and one again landed up in bed before 9pm, so yes I have just caught up with “Casualty”, I don’t understand either my love for hospital dramas either, I suspect it is because a lot of the time I actually know what they are talking about and sometimes even manage to diagnose the patient before the Doctors do, that I have to admit is fun, a bit like a who-dun-it. I have always enjoyed working things out and I am sure it is also the reason I can’t stand slapstick humor, what is funny about something you knew before it happened, actually happens, sorry I don’t get that at all.
I can see it is going to take me a while to recover from all of the last week, there are just so many parts to it that my body is still catching up. I know everyone seems to think that I should have a great desire to get out of here, but when my venturing outside causes so much stress, why would I want to go anywhere. I really do wish now that I hadn’t asked for help at all, I would be in a much better position if I hadn’t actually. If I had just got on with it and said OK this is the way my body works now and I have to work it all out myself, maybe just maybe I might have it all under-control with out any stress and without people in my home annoying me, and without yet others forcing me out of it. I managed fine for five and a half years then I asked the NHS to help me and it has been nothing but upsetting from that point on. Isolation was a much happier place believe me, everything just ticked along, day after day and I ticked along with it, I would love to have that back, life has been distressing since I lost it. It is strange how help can land up being anything but.
I suspect that when I do go back to the Gastro. department it will be once they have the results of the biopsies, 4 to 6 weeks time and I expect that guess what they will blame it on my MS, as I did right back at the start in March or April. My gut has simply stopped pushing food through, what I wanted then and would like now is a solution, I just hope they are now out of tests and are happy to just do what I asked and help me make it work well enough to be healthy and to not mess myself daily, I don’t think that I was asking that much really. Before that though I have another appointment this month to go to the Pain Clinic after the mess on Friday I am looking forward to this less and less as my appointment is for 5:45, I know the shifts change at 5 so this might not be a smooth system either. There is a real feeling at this minute of my not wanting to go, I suppose that is understandable and a risk I once again have to take, as I am sure if my pain was under control I would feel better in myself, but I can’t put into words strongly enough that I really don’t want to leave the house again if I can just find a way to pull myself back into my cocoon and lock them all outside it for good. Possibly a silly thing to do I know, but in my heart that is really what I want.