At times it is all to easy to stop looking out and to spend too much time looking in wards, when you are ill and on your own a lot of the day you loose that feeling that there is a world out there. I often wonder if that feeling is compounded by the fact that annoyingly it has manage to get on fine without you, and you just weren’t as important to it as well think we are. I constantly keep coming across people who like myself are ill and confined to their homes and far too many of the are deeply depressed by the whole situation, a bad side effect of spending so much time looking in. I know I am really lucky to not really suffer from depression, I have days here and there that are reaction depression, the type that we all have when something major goes wrong in our lives. But the deep set clinical depression is something that vanished from my life when I was diagnosed with MS, all the depression I had gone through for years just disappeared as at last I was being believed and I at last knew that there was a reason for how I had felt for so many years. But there are then the ones who seem to react in the completely opposite way, diagnosis for them seems to be the trigger for a life long depression.
Having gone through it years ago I can empathise with those who just can’t deal with what is happening to them and slowly slip into that spiral that pulls you further and further down. I know it all to well and I am so glad that I am free of it now, although from time to time that it may come across in what I write as being depressed but I’m not, I am just reacting strongly, something I have little control over due to the damage that has been done to my brain by the lesions I have. I have wondered as well if it isn’t these lesions that have something to do with my upbeat reaction to life. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a connection, well if I can be flung into tears when they aren’t appropriate, why not laughter as well. I know myself that in situations like those of the other day where I was totally stressed in the space of a few minutes by a phone call and in tears before I hung up, equally cleared in less than an hour. I am completely emotionally unbalanced, those reactions are not those of the average human, nor was the recovery from it.
The last time I have a test done to see how I react to a selection of tests, showed that I was loosing it. The cognitive results where strongly not normal, something I knew but it had to be proved. I also know if they did those tests again the results would be worse again, but now I question that word “worse”, as everything is slipping I still remain upbeat most of the time and that sets me out as different from other who are going through what I am, could it be the cognitive damage is actually working to my advantage? Could the damage actually be making me happy? It is a thought but one I can’t prove. I am sure if I submitted myself to a visit to the MS specialist he would want all those tests done again for his research, well they wouldn’t actually help me any more than having them done before did. Doctors seem to be obsessed with tracking things, a tracking that doesn’t actually help the patient, it isn’t as though they can change any of what is happening. I could and probably are totally wrong, but either way as long as I stay on the up side of happy, I know that all of it is easier to handle, I just wish that I could do something for those who struggle to accept what is happening and continue to find the good things in their live, as they are there, just as they are in yours or mine.