To far alone

Yesterday ran a way with me and I found myself with tears in my eyes frequently. It started to go wrong when I actually managed to first remember to make a phone call and second when they actually answered my call. I received an appointment to go for Breast Screening, I knew where the unit was and strangely it is right in the middle of Glasgow just a short distance from Central Station. I decided to ask a few questions about getting there and what would happen when I got there because of my needing help. Just as going to the hospital I was going to have to arrange an ambulance and the stair climber but when I asked about what the would happen on arrival, I felt myself going in to a sort of panic. The clinic is in a very public area and there a about 8 steps from the road to the doors which of course would mean a slow climb in the public eye just to get in there. Now that may sound like nothing to you but lets step through what this day would really mean to me.

First as always would be the getting ready and the stress that alone seems to cause along with the added fatigue. Next getting out of the house and into the ambulance, not a nice trip down the stairs but neither is what I spotted on the last trip out, that people in the blocks near ours, leaning out trying to see who and why the ambulance is sat in their street. I can only imagine how much that would happen at the other end. This building is not a hospital and it is on a very public road where hundreds of people go by and like it or not that will mean loads of them starring, to get up those steps would take a couple of minutes and of course I haven’t added in yet that Adam couldn’t be with me, as they won’t let him come with me in the ambulance. After climbing those stairs in full view of all those on their lunch break, and once actually in there well the person had to think about this bit but said eventually that she thought there was a wheelchair. Next would be the lift and then waiting for the scan where, she said it would take a few minutes but getting the scan done, she thought was possible from the wheelchair, it just meant adjusting the machine. Then all the problems with getting clothes off and on before having to go through everything in revers eventually getting home. Just sat here on the phone discussing it I was getting into a panic about it all, my head was spinning about how I could and would manage it and I was terrified, I couldn’t do all that by myself, there are just too many possibilities of things going wrong. It was completely stressing me out and I got into such a spin that I was a stuttering word less mess, but I managed to cancel the appointment. There is just no way I would be able to manage all of that, even now when calm I know I can’t manage it, it is just too much.

I have gone form the wildly nutty over confident person to one who can’t even think about a simple journey. If I was going to an actual hospital I would be fine, I have done this three times in the past few months it is where this place is and the fact I can’t have Adam with me to take over when I got lost. 5 mins on the phone and I was a wreck, tears and shaking and fear.

The evening found me back in tears and this time well it was understandable, I was watching children in need. Seeing those families and what kid have to go through, well you would have to be very hard person in deed to not have a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes. Having lost a child my heart went out to those parent who had lost theirs and the tears where all over the place, understandably.