Yesterday reminded me that is a simple thing that would make most people angry can up set a lot more than my mood. The whole day was simply a spiral downwards of pain and memory problems. I had noticed over the last few weeks that my word memory when talking had been growing in it’s gaps, I have found more and more that when I am talking with Adam that he is jumping into finish what I am saying or I have just given up as I have no memory of what I wanted to say. Last night was a perfect example, I don’t think I managed a string of anything over 10 words without stopping. Being on my own all day I notice when my memory slips and I go off to do other things mid way through trying to write a post and so on, but I don’t talk until the evening so of course I don’t notice it until then. It is bad enough when someone else finishes your words for you but when they and you can’t actually be bothered, as the train of thought makes no sense, well that is a completely different thing. I can get through a day thinking things aren’t too bad, just to have it destroyed within half an hour of Adam being home.
Speaking is so much part of what we are that to loose so much control of it is really difficult to come to terms with. Last night I was feeling low for a lot of reasons, but yes triggered by the Twitter problem, by the time I made it to bedtime I had reached the point of wanting to give up talking all together, not for the first time. I can see how easily some would just stop and not try talking unless they had to, once you start not talking you really start to disappear. The difficult thing is that give up is the word that enters your head when it gets so hard to say the simplest of things, try talking about things that require you to remember names and places and it is hard work, hard work that leaves you wondering if it is really worth it.
When I am sat here writing it is a totally different process as I can stop every few words, read back using little to no memory, and then continue where I stopped, talking is totally different, to move forward you have to first remember what was said before, to be able to find the next word, get that word out and think of what comes next all at the same time, there is no comparison between them. From 6 months ago to today my speed of writing has slowed tremendously, it is taking me double the time it used to as I spend so much of my time rereading rather than moving on with any real flow. This is one of those scary things that I have tried not to really think about a lot. Yes I have known about my memory and speech problem for a long time, but actually admitting and think about where it will go in time, well I am sure that you will also understand why I am haven’t really wanted to dwell on it. Loosing clear speech is far more about loosing yourself, than loosing mobility or being in pain ever was or is. I seldom now cry to myself when I am in pain, or because I can’t physically do something, but when I am on my own I frequently cry simply because I don’t know how to move on from where I am, be it in writing or reading something, or simply in trying to do the simplest of things watching TV. Well think about it, even that requires recall and interaction, how can you laugh when you have trouble understanding at speed.
In the back of my mind I have known for a long time that this was happening and that it was a future problem, like everything else in my illness the future is closer than I like to admit.