I am so tired today, it is one of those days that we all have from time to time, I just don’t seem to be able to get myself going, there is no oomph. I know we all have days when all we really want to do is curl up somewhere soft and warm and just stay there, not sleeping just relaxing. Part of me screams at me when I feel like this to just do it, after all I am not working and I have no reason other than personal, to be sat here writing, reading tweets and answering them. There is no real reason why I shouldn’t just take a day out and switch this thing off, but I can’t. Just like I did when I was working, I have made a silent commitment to not let anyone down, and there is a great feeling that I would either disappoint my readers and friends by not being here, or that I would worry some of them if I simply vanished for a couple of day. It is one of the characteristics of my personality, that I won’t let people down, the thought that there is one person out there that might be disappointed, is enough to keep me going.
Next week though, my presence will be reduced as my daughter is coming to see me on Thursday and Friday. I haven’t seen her now for about 2 yrs, this is the first opportunity she has had to come up to Scotland since she transferred from San Fransisco to London. Settling into a new job and a new city has of course been top of her list of things to do. She is planning for her wedding to be in Balloch, it is where the rest of her family live including three of her brothers, she will stay there allowing her to have a room to stay in, if she stayed here, she would be sleeping on the floor as we don’t have a spare room. It will be so good to see her again and we have so much to catch up on, although we have actually been talking more often on the phone than we used to. It is strange to think that my little girl is actually about to get married for the second time, how did I get that old, that I can actually be in that position? Although she will be getting married less that 50 miles away I will still not be there, but she is working on getting someone to live stream it, so that I, and some others who can’t attend can watch online. It is wonderful how things have changed so drastically over my lifetime. When I married her father, my grandmother, the only one I ever knew, was too ill to make the 60 mile journey, my grandfather came and there were loads of photo’s for her, along with the flowers from the church that I had sent out to her, but in my heart she was missed. She died a week later, but I would have loved it if she could have seen it, there wasn’t even the option of a video in those days. I may not be there to see it, but sitting here really will be a fantastic improvement.
Missing all that big events in life is really the hardest thing to adjust to. There have been a few family gatherings that Adam has had to go to by himself, while all I could do was sit here as though nothing was happening. To most of his family I have been invisible for a long time and most of his cousins I have never even met. As for my family well I haven’t seen any of them now for about 8 or 9 yrs, my younger brother appears in my life from time to time, he will phone and say all the right things, ending the call with promises that he will stay in contact and then vanishes, not answering my emails or the messages on his voice mail. It is the way my family has always been and it is something that to be honest I simply accept, like many things in my life. My family is now just Adam and Teressa, and I feel blessed to have both.
Everything about being housebound, leads to friends and family leaving, as it means they have to be the ones who take the time, make the effort and the journey. After a few years you know exactly who your friends and your family really are, they are the ones who really care and think nothing of doing everything and anything that it takes to just be there, and that is true love. I thought I knew what that was years ago, but I was so wrong, it has taken all this for me to discover the truth of real love, once you know what it really is, then it is easy to accept the disappearance of the false people, as they are no match to the real ones. The love of family is so important but even their love can be as false as a friends, something I have learned and something I have accepted, and something has freed me to actually enjoy what is real.