I had always hoped that by the time I found myself in my 50’s which I do now that I would somehow have this crazy thing called life sorted out and that I would totally understand where I was going and why, strangely I don’t. Mind you I guess we all thought we would be there by 50, there being where the life journey was taking us, but like most others I am sure I know no more now than I did in my twenties, when I thought I knew everything. What changed, I now know, I know nothing! Aging is probably the strangest thing that ever happens to us, we all believe that it won’t happen to us and I have never yet met anyone who thought they would still be alive by the time it started happening to them. I was lucky in some ways as I got a second shot at being a teenager, I missed it all when I was a teen but once I divorced my first husband I found the time to do everything that a teenager should and would do, I didn’t leave my teens until I was in my mid thirties when I got what many might see as my first real job, to that date I a partied and lived they way I wanted without hurting anyone or scrounging or any of the other things I hated, like real work, well 4 hrs an evening enjoying myself and being paid for it, isn’t work. I crashed into and stayed in the adult world for just 15yrs, as long as I was allowed to stay and now I am in a world most don’t see until they are retired. Life is a crazy thing that will never make sense and that is actually I think the truth of it all. It makes no sense.
Yet here I sit day in day out still trying to sort it all out in my head as though I really am a retired individual with 70 yrs of life behind me. I think it is living constantly with pain that made me age so suddenly, I have seen people in their 90’s with more energy and mobility than I have, but here I am and here it appears I will have to stay until my birth age and my body age actually come closer together. I feel ancient today not because I am in extra pain or anything like that, it is simply because I caught my reflection in the hall mirror when I went to fetch my breakfast, I looked everyday of 110 and aging by the second. Through out my life my written age and I have never actually worked together so why should they now, I just wish they were a little closer. I have always said you are as old as you feel and that is where the problem lies today, I feel 110. Just one of those days I suppose, a day were my gallbladder is trying to shove it’s way out through my ribs, were a MS hug threatens me every few minutes with sharp pains in my spine, edging out into my ribs, a day where my legs ache from toes to hip and my pelvic is circling abdominal cramps that any woman in labor would be happy to have. I would out up with double that tomorrow if I could have one day without it all, one day when I could simply go into my bedroom get dressed, put on my makeup, do my hair and go out for a walk, no where special just out for a walk. I don’t often feel this way, I don’t understand it, what the trigger was or why it happened but I feel so trapped at the minute, not by my home but by my health. I suppose that is what yesterdays post was about as well, the feeling that everything that was me and is me, is under the pressure of the future and in the danger of vanishing. It has taken a long time for this to appear, I have been expecting it for years but nothing, for years I have breezed through hell and kept going, at last I am feeling the truth that MS will destroy everything. I guess I had to wait for it to take enough of me to see it for what it is and it has and I do.
So what now? Now I go on but in the real knowledge that one day in the not to distant future of the world I will vanish into myself for ever. That’s what this whole week has been about, me adjusting to those thoughts and feelings because I can now actually see them happening, they are no longer something somewhere in never never, they are ahead of me and in the scale of things closer than I like. My health isn’t good just now and it is getting worse I just have to as always go with it, in more way than one.