Thinking

Last night I deliberately delayed taking my meds as I wanted to be able to locate the source points of my pain, it was a painful experiment but one I though was worth doing I was wrong. I have hoped that without the drugs interfering I would feel clearly what was happening rather than a numbed muddle. the result was a painful muddle. When you are on high levels of painkillers it is always difficult to know what is really happening, it could be that the center to the pain isn’t exactly where you think it is as you have no way of knowing what you are really feeling. It could be the same level through out an area or it could really be a heightened source that is numbed into the mess. Pain is a strange thing that when you live with it it becomes harder and harder to work out what is happening and why, removing the influence of painkillers has helped me in the past, but this time I had no luck, all I found was the pain was wider spread than I thought and it was a lot worse without the meds, so no surprise there then.

Yesterday afternoon I did a lot of reading as I said in yesterdays post I hadn’t realised that the pain I have in my pelvic could be a form of an MS hug, I had for the last few weeks be denying to myself that my MS could have anything to do with my pelvic pain, you see if I admitted that to myself then I was also admitting that I was going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. Lying to myself isn’t something new, I have done that before in the past and I should have learned from that but I didn’t, all I did was to upset myself with false hope that someone would be able to fix it, to stop it, to set me free from yet more pain in my life. Lying to myself is all part of denying things, I know that, but it is regardless of how long I have been ill, it is something I still do and I guess I always will.

My MS started when I was in my early 20’s and although I recognised the pain in my arms and legs were the same thing I had somehow separated the pains in my torso out as something else. Looking back I have had spells of pelvic pain but when they were at there worst before, nothing like they are now, I always put them down to my dancing, I used to dance every night when I was a DJ and I thought that as I wasn’t trained I was simply doing something the wrong way and causing pain, when I got a hernia from carrying all my cases and it appeared that time at the same point as a bout of pain, I had my confirmation in my mind. The bouts that followed where damage from that time, in my mind, but I now see I was wrong. I feel so silly, but I was somehow still holding onto the slight hope that I couldn’t attach MS to one thing. So here I am this morning, numb not to the pain but to life as I have lost the last little area to my pet monster, I have to admit it, MS now does truly have the whole of my body and I have no chance left of anything being free of it. I can’t find one muscle, one joint, one bone that MS and Fibro hasn’t possessed and all I have a head is more pain.

There is nothing above that I didn’t already know in my heart, as I said I knew I was lying to myself but there was a strange comfort in that lie. My future hasn’t changed nor has my past, what has changed in the past few days is simply how I think about it all. Strangely crushed but still with the same strong hope and belief that life is a wonderful thing to be enjoyed through what ever it brings, regardless of how often, for as long as that spark of enjoyment remains.