I seem to be always finding excused in the last few days not to do anything, I’m not sure why but I was even having to push myself to write and that isn’t the normal feeling for me at all. The only thing I can think of is down to my left hand. As I have written about on several occasions I lost totally the use of my left arm and despite it returning it never came back fully. It has frequently had me believing that it was going again due to strange feelings in it or pain, well once again it is playing with me. In the last few days I have lost the odd finger for a while and then it returns and of course typing makes me very aware of, and it is hard not to keep waiting for something else to happen, expecting the whole thing to just vanish again. I suspect that anyone would be the same but I take these things personally now, it is almost as though I get upset when I have adapted everything around my MS and Fibro and it then starts doing rotten thing to me that I don’t deserve. That all sounds a little childish I know but well it feels like a child like battle constantly, a sort of ‘tit for tat’ situation. I do something that they don’t like and they make me pay for it, they do something I don’t like and I sulk.
The longer I am ill, the more it feel totally like being in a symbiotic relationship, and the more I think of it that way. I have never felt as though I am in a fight to stay well, as I know that is stupid and anyway the more you fight either MS or Fibro the harder they kickback, it is far more about getting a balance and then working with them, and it works. On the whole I have walked the tightrope for years and stayed on it reasonably well. When things start playing up, I start looking at everything I have been doing and look for what could possibly be the reason so I avoid repeat it. If I can’t find the reason, that is when I start worrying about the why and what next. My hand playing up is becoming a frequent occurrence which leads me to thinking that I have to so some reassessing, what I have been expecting from it, may well not be the reality and maybe I need to lower the bar a little. I don’t like doing that with anything because it becomes a notch on the downwards slope, something I always take seriously. I don’t suppose any of us like to lower the expectations of ourselves as it takes a chunk out of our self esteem, like it or not, we are all delicate psychologically, it would be great to just shrug your shoulders and move on again as though nothing has changed.
Progressive illnesses are difficult that way, as anyone with one will tell you I am sure. It isn’t like having for example a broken leg that when healed leaves you with a limp that will never go away, you learn how to deal with your limp and it is part of your life but it isn’t going to get worse, all your adjusting is done and it just becomes a fact. Everyday anything could change in my health, I don’t know what it will be, or what it will do, some symptom I have now could get worse or a new symptom could appear, there is constant adjusting, constant changes to my ability and constant reassessing of how to live with it. I can’t actually remember the last day that I didn’t feel something or notice something and found my mind starting the process just in case the worst happens. Living like that could destroy you very quickly, unless you find your way of dealing with it. I am now careful not to let my mind run to far, as I have learned that it is still more likely not to happen than happen. It is human nature, we all do it and we all need to do it, so if some idiot says to you don’t worry, hit them. No, OK it might make you feel better for a while, but I can’t recommend violence, but the skill is to not worry to far, always remember the balance that the worst case scenario rarely actually happens.
Progression is difficult but you and I can live with it as long as we don’t become paranoid about it. I might loose my left hand again, today, tomorrow or next year, or even never again, but I am aware of it and I am ready for it, but I don’t let myself worry about it beyond that. I set my balance and I have to keep to it not just so I don’t drive myself and those around my nuts but because that level of stress is just what MS and Fibro don’t need, they then have the excuse to run wild and then the worst case scenario is far more likely to happen.