Alone

I have reset everything I do on twitter and the new format will start at mid day today with at reduced output I should now have some time to start on what I have talked about for a long time now, a book. I still haven’t worked out if I am just going to e-publish or look for a publisher but I don’t see I have a lot to think about on that score without a book to do either with. lol I am both excited and worried about heading out into something new but that is natural and if I wasn’t I would also know that I am wasting my time, with out fear and excitement a new endeavor is bound to fail before it starts as they are the things that add passion to anything in life. I am not actually going to start until tomorrow morning as I have something else I need to get done today so that everything is cleared out of the way and I will have no excuses not to get going.

It is a wonderfully quiet Sunday morning and I have the living room windows open yet the silence is only disturbed occasionally by a lone car. Days like this are strange I always wonder when there are no cars where the people are, and what is happening that I don’t know about, it feels so odd to be in a city without audible sounds that confirm the existence of the thousands that live here. I even checked the news channel just in case, well everyone could be inside watching something major, even when I can’t get out of the house I still have to know what is happening out there. I think actually that is another thing that I would put down as required to survive being housebound, you have to maintain a healthy interest in the world, I may not be out there any longer but I haven’t in anyway forgotten about it’s existence. I can see that it would be very easy to turn everything in on myself, as I don’t really need to know what the weather forecast is or what the latest thinking on business matters are, in someways actually I think it is more important now than it was before.

Although my blog is clearly about me and my way through all of this, if I actually sat here all day everyday thinking about what was hurting and what it meant and how I was going to keep going for the rest of my life, well I would really go mad and probably stop existing very quickly. Looking outside of my nest and continuing my interest in everything that interested me before, helps me to feel still part of the greater world, and that is really important. Anyone who is housebound will tell you there is a cruel fact, your fiends disappear one by one. When they are the ones who always have to come and see you and you can’t go and see them, when they don’t know any longer what to talk about, when coming to see you makes they feel guilty that they are still out and about, and when they can’t deal with watching you get more and more ill, they vanish. When you loose your physical link to outside, and outside no longer visits you have to do it yourself. So yes I do still continue in someways where I was before but I do it not as a way of looking back but as a way of looking at the now and what is now to everyone else as well.

I often feel very alone and that is very different from lonely, I feel alone not because I don’t see others but because I don’t see others like me and as stupid as that sounds that is what I want, I want to know others are also surviving and I want to know I am not the only one facing the problems I do daily. I think that is were Twitter has helped a lot, just hearing other voices coming back telling me they feel the same, or some that my words are their voice have helped me through what in many ways has been a rough year as loosing my job multiplied every problem I already had by a factor of 100. So now it is time to write, time for my next step on my path through this mess I now live happily.