I am already feeling sorry for Adam, I kept snipping at him last night. Any opportunity and I answered in a fashion that I wouldn’t normally do to him. I am stressing and I have to stop it! It is only Tuesday so I have no idea how I will be by Friday. Yesterday, thanks to having to sort out the transport I got myself wound up about the whole thing, but getting it across to Adam yesterday that I wasn’t worried about where I was going or who I was seeing wasn’t easy, he kept going back to where it was in the building and when I snapped for the third time he took the message and shut up about it. This morning I am more myself again, but that is easy to say as he is at work so there is no one to talk to and no one to snip at.
I touched yesterday about the feeling there is when you are out of control of your own mind and duality that appears in your life, what I didn’t say was that this really is a problem all the time not just when a big stress occasion appears. After the pain and fatigue, the next thing that I was aware of early on before I knew that it was MS, was the effect there was on my thinking. I can see clearly now how others saw it as depression and being quick tempered at times, what I couldn’t explain to them or even to myself was the strange feeling that grew all the time of not being in control and having these two sided conversations with myself. It is one of the main reasons for my life now having to be ordered, but when you are standing in tears in the middle of a shopping center because you are suddenly lost, with half of you telling you to stop it and pull yourself together because you have been here loads of time, the building hasn’t changed it is just a couple of shops, and the other side is telling you that the world is upside down, what do you do then? How do you tell the people starring at you that you are fine, just lost inside a building that I haven’t been in for 2 weeks? It was often easier to let people believe that I had a problem with crowds, or lifts, or even escalators than it was to try and tell them the hell that was in my head. New buildings I had never been in I often avoided or made three or four visits going a little further in each time until I was comfortable to be there. Shopping centers were really the worst, the shops change all the time, so when you find what you know wasn’t there, everything spins into terror. A new shopping center was even worse as it was a case of shops I knew, as they all carry there brand, beside others I knew but I hadn’t seen that combination before, my brain would start screaming all sorts of information at me and I had to get out.
If I am totally honest I think becoming housebound was in many ways a blessing. Apart from work I had already given up going anywhere else, partly because it was all so physically tiring and difficult, and partly because I just couldn’t deal with it all. The outside world wouldn’t stop changing and I couldn’t keep up. It isn’t agoraphobia, not at all, big spaces are often better than small ones, as turn round enough and you will spot something you recognise. The outside world was hard to deal with 5yrs ago, I know and need no doctor to confirm it, it is worse now than it was then, I also know my emotions are right on the surface now, so I guess I would be in tears more than not. I have to admit fully that I don’t think I would last a second out there by myself any longer, even if I had Adam with me, because there is no way of bringing the logic into control of all my mind, I don’t think I would be any better with him there or not.
I know the lesions eat away all the time, they get bigger and they increase in their numbers, I hate to think how my brain looks now. I remember the first Doctor who thought, as it was not his field, that I had MS, was convinced by just seeing my MRI that there was no doubt I had MS. He told me then that I more damage to my brain than he had seen in many patients who had had multiple strokes. I suppose that I should count myself lucky, lucky that I am still in as much control of my life as I am. As I said yesterday, it is the future that scares me, how long will it be before I can’t deal with my home, how long will it be until I loose control of everything and what then?