I found myself stupidly upset yesterday. I had gone for my afternoon sleep and as I always do before I went I had planned out in my head what I was going to do when I got up. I had taken my time in the morning not really writing or going thought my tweets with any great speed, just taking it easy with a gentle day set out for me. When I got up from my sleep I came back into the living-room expecting to just switch my computer on and get on with my plans, I couldn’t. Adam after years of nagging had decided to surprise me by washing the white wall behind my computer desk. It was taking him longer than he thought it would, not surprising to me as I used to wash it twice a year and it was over 6yrs since I was last able to do it myself. So what upset me? Well that is simple and I think many of those reading this who have damage to their brains will totally understand. I have damage to my frontal lobes and my emotions are closer to the surface if you like, I also can’t cope when things are not where they are meant to be. Adam thought he was doing something really nice but he was succeeding in scaring the hell out of me and I couldn’t hide it.
When I entered the room the first thing I noticed were some ornaments that should be on top of a unit behind my desk were on the fireplace base surround. At that second I felt agitated and I was trying to calm myself when I started to see loads of things out of place and when my eyes eventually found him, Adam on a ladder cleaning the wall. He was where I had to be and everything was wrong. To most of you reading this it will sound really nuts, but I was scared, as with everything were it shouldn’t be meant I didn’t totally know where I was. The space that is always kept set and unmoved was in chaos. Worse still the carefully made plans were also in chaos, as I couldn’t carry them through, I couldn’t get to my PC. There was a small logical voice inside me saying it’s ok, calm down, nothing is wrong, but it was just too small.
Adam could see my distress and came down off his ladder apologising and explaining that he was trying to do something nice, as it was all meant to be done before I got up. I knew all that but my confusion and distress were over powering everything. He stayed calm and spoke to me and I slowly calmed as well, the wall still isn’t finished, as I had to complete my days plans, I had to get to my PC, it was all too much for me to not continue the plans. Once I was sat in my place I calmed down slowly, Adam was great at just letting my calm down and settle into what was happening, there were a few tears as they don’t obey any commands to stay in my eyes and off my face, but for once they didn’t last.
It is really hard to put into word that feeling when something small makes you feel as thought the world has flipped into total madness. I have never known in my adult life anything that would match it before the MS caused it, so to call it agitation, confusion and fear is about all I can say, I can’t compare it to anything else other than once I was in a small car accident, I wasn’t hurt but the shocked fear is a similar feeling. Probably why some use the phrase ‘it was a car crash situation’, I do know it is illogical to react like that but once triggered finding and holding onto logic is impossible, once it is in control it takes time to pack it back up and slot it into place again. I don’t know if you can imagine having that feeling in somewhere that should be a totally safe place to be, your own living-room.
I have written before how I really don’t like things moved and Adam knows it better than anyone else, but doing so with all the best reasons in the world, still really upset me, if he had warned me, I know his surprise would have been ruined but if I am warned I have more control, as I would have played through the worse cases possible and I would have planned my day differently. If my life isn’t the same, isn’t under-control I loose control, not being in control of my own mind is one of the scariest parts of MS, and if you as an outsider so me when I am like that you would list me as mad, completely certifiable. For that short period that is how I feel too.