The district nurse just left, it is really very strange having someone come to the house in the middle of my morning forcing a change on my routine. I know I will get used to all of this but you have to admit it really is the most bizarre situation, I haven’t actually had many visitor since I became housebound, Christmas, Adams birthday and that’s it. Now I suddenly will have a visitor 3 time a week who will arrives go straight into my bedroom, wait while I lie down and then push 2 suppositories in to me, then sit and chat for a while, then just before I have to go to the loo, they leave. That isn’t in anyone’s imagination a normal situation is it. There is now a plan in place for the rest of this week, she is going to come back earlier on Wednesday, so that by the time the Doctor comes here at around 1pm my bowels will be clear, then he will be able to feel my stomach properly and see if there is anything there that could be causing the problem, he will then also look at my leg and we will them be able to have a chat about the list that I have started and my meds, just to see if there any changes that might help me. Then on Friday the nurses will be back and she is going to take some blood so that can be checked to ensure my kidneys, liver and all the other things it will show up are OK as well. So hopefully by the start of next week we will have a better idea how I really am and if there is anything else can be done to make life easier.
It is hard to accept that I really do need to help but I have this silly fear that I might just give up too much of my independence to soon. It could be just too easy to allow others to do things for me. I have fought from the beginning to be independent, to be in control and in charge of what MS is doing. I can’t control the actual disease, but who does what when, should be my decision. I worry that they will offer things, that although I don’t actually need as I can still manage, but would make life easier, I worry that although easier isn’t a reason to say yes, I will say yes. That sounds a little muddled, I suppose this may be a better description, imagine someone offered to do your housework, you can do it but you don’t really like cleaning, so not because you need the help, but because you allow the lazy part of being human, to answer, you say yes. That is what is worrying me, and once the first yes is said I know it will get easier to say it again and again.
I have this horrid picture in my brain that shows me to myself as someone sat in a chair while everyone runs around me doing everything. That picture is probably close to what it will be one day, my MS is progressive, but that picture has a line down the middle, one half is the person who has no control over any of it, that half is there purely due to illness, the other half, well that is a totally different creature. That half is sat there laughing at all of them as they aren’t all actually required, that half is so lazy that although it can still can lift a spoon to it’s mouth, it lies with every action, or lack of it. That has never been me at any point in my life but for some reason it hangs over me like a specter waiting to take over. I don’t know where this feeling comes form or why it is there but it is the heart of my fears of accepting any help. If any of you out there understands why or where it comes from, or if you have been here yourself, please let me know as it makes no sense and I can find no reason either.