The right to dignity

Last night I spent the whole evening sitting on the settee in sections. I heard that what? All yesterday and today I have been having spasms from the base of my spin to about half way down the back of my thigh. Spasms are painful and when they tighten they are impossible to make them let go. It is a poor comparison but as close as I can think of. Everyone at some point in their life I am sure has had a muscle cramp or stitch, they are painful and all that you can do is try and move about forcing them to let go. Now take that sensation raise the pain a bit and spread it over more than one muscle, that would be a spasm. Occasionally if I catch them fast enough and I force the muscle to pull in the opposite direction I can ease their grip, I know that it is a split second thing, that catch point is vital miss it and spasm wins. When the spasms are painfully tight trying to sit on that muscle is painful so all I can do is switch the weight around as much as possible. Added to that because of the problem I have lately had with my bowels I had all the time the fear that the spasms may cause yet another so called accident, I am beginning to see them more a conspiracy to stop my moving just in case. I am sure is must send Adam nuts as I simply can’t stay still for more than a minute or so, he said nothing until I went to bed. If my evening has been painful, to be able to sleep either the pain has to ease off or I have to be exhausted, it was the latter last night.

I woke this morning in the hope that things would be better and that being a new day meant a new start for the muscle games. As I stepped out of bed pain shot through me and urine stated to travel down my now cramped leg. OK not the day I was looking for. Cleaned up, medicated to the eye balls and settled on one buttock at my PC, my day has not changed from yesterday evening at all. The crazy thing about spasm in that area of my body is there can be mixed results on my bladder and bowel, first thing this morning I couldn’t stop it running, half an hour ago it was the opposite. My bladder was full uncomfortable and nothing would leave at all, I had no choice but to insert a catheter to relieve myself. I use them when I need them, but they are not my favorite MS tool, I do have to say though it is one of the few things that has improved vastly over the years. The modern ones come in a water filled pouch that requires a slight pressure to burst water bag, that activates the lubricant making them easier to insert. The container is a discreet size now as well, unlike the ones I first used, so for those still able to venture into the outside world, they can be fitted in a handbag without a problem. Until this morning after 7 or 8 years of use I had my very first accident with them. I had been warned it could happen but sort of put it to the back of my mind, as the muscles was tightly closed I used a little too much force, as the liquid came to a stop and I start to pull the catheter out, blood started to flow.

There is something inbuilt in us that the sight of our own blood is scarey, even when you know that what looks like a lot is only really a tiny drop, it suddenly feels like you are bleeding to death. Shock dealt with I cleared things up and tried to put logic back into the situation, I have checked several times and there is no real damage, a scratch nothing more, but I’m human and I still panic. MS is never fun, but it is hidden things like spasms and catheters that no one else sees, those things that I hide and never get away with my deception. Adam knew last night that I was in pain and I didn’t want him to know, the same way that if he had been here this morning instead of at work, no matter what I had said to cover he would have known something was wrong. This is another one of those things that they don’t tell you about, one of the victims of MS is your dignity.