I have now been on the raised dose of my Oxycontin for several days and apart from when I woke this morning I think there has been a marked improvement. This morning I found it really hard to get out of bed, waking up stiff in the morning I know is sort of normal as we age and as MS tightens it hold of my entire body. My entire right leg was in agony which is why I couldn’t get up, my left leg is always painful and stiff but my right one joining in at the same time just wasn’t funny. There was in fact little of me from my waist down that wasn’t in pain. I know that this is in quotes “normal and to be expected” but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. There has been an increase for a while but this morning was a jump.
It would have been easy to take this as something hugely important, that I had more difficulty getting out of bed than normal and that walking was slower, more painful and more unsteady, but I have learned not to. Just as when I looked at my ankles, I noticed that my right ankle is also still swollen, on checking I found that is also still pitting badly, it has been for several days, despite me taking my fluid pills. A further check and yes, the whole of my right leg is swollen from mid thigh down. If I reacted to every small changes like these, I would be calling doctors here everyday, but over the last few months it does appear there is a clear pattern developing, no real change in the top half of me and huge problems developing waist down. Although I have written this all down in different ways over the past few weeks I think it is time I actually accepted it as a fact.
I am no different from anyone else in that I try to tell myself lies as it makes me feel better, sticking my head in the sand and denying the truth, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Just because I have gone through acceptance more times than I care to even remember, it doesn’t get any easier. Denial is a really pointless place to be, deny as much as you like, it changes nothing. I am sure if I talked to a psychiatrist they would be more than able to explain the points and the order that the steps come in, but that still wouldn’t change anything. Humans are not logical beings, fact. Logical beings would realise that they can’t stand on a damaged leg, but we have all tried it at some point in our lives. Logical beings would not need either denial or acceptance, they would do what everyone else seems to think I do, not question it at all and move on.
Those that have been reading my blog for a while will have realised I hope, that I am not super human, just human, not any different than any one else and I do question, I question a lot and until I accept. Today it seems is the day I accept that I am in a clearly defined position, there has been an increased speed in the progression process and the comfortable slight slope I have been on for about a year has repositioned itself. I am off to bang my head on a wall and knock the final part of the nail in.