Last night Adam and I had a bit of a disagreement over the TV program we were watching, it wasn’t anything like an argument as it was one of those conversation that I knew instantly we were never going to agree on, so I changed the subject. I am sure we have all been at that point and just known that the best thing to do is not pursue it but that doesn’t mean I have stopped thinking about it.
We were watching ‘Holby City’ I have watched it from the first program on, you would think that with my life time involvement with Doctors that I would want to change channel and not watch. The story line was regarding transplants, it is in the first place something I have strong feelings about and my family all know that should at any point the Doctors say I need a transplant, of any organ, the answer is no, I won’t have it. I was actually almost there many years ago, something I have already written about in this blog, I took an overdose and nearly destroyed my liver. Neither I nor the Doctors thought it was going to recover but after several days in hospital my blood test changed from going down hill to improving. A couple of days earlier the conversation of possibly my only chance of life may be to pray for a transplant, I had always said I would never have one and my opinion didn’t change even then. Adam has accepted that and knows there is not swaying me on it.
The storyline last night though was about the reaction the wife took when she was told that her husband was going to get the double heart/lung transplant he needed. She seemed to be saying that they shouldn’t do it and that there was so much to think about as he could die on the operation table. Adam did one of his usual answer out loud back at the TV comments, I said I could understand her. I tried to explain why I understood and made the whole discussion worse, he just didn’t agree with me and I wasn’t going to change his opinion.
For the majority of my adult life I have dealt with illness, with the knowledge that MS is at the minute incurable, living with a progressive illness has forced me into thinking well into the future. I have learned exactly how my illness effects me, what it is doing to me, and building a life not so much around but with it. They are major changes that have a major effect on everything that I am and I do. If tomorrow the cure for MS was found and all I needed was an op, which once done meant I was cured and I could then live the life I have had to let go of, well yes I would be delighted but I would be terrified by all of it.
I am not saying I wouldn’t want it done but I would be truly terrified, since I was 21 I have been learning how to live whilst ill, 11 yrs ago I had to start learning how to live with the knowledge that my health would go in only one direction and that was down. 5yrs ago I lost my freedom. The impact of being well again is scary, I know that I have reinvented myself many times and I could do it again but I don’t see what isn’t scary about suddenly being well.
I hope someone out there can reassure me that how I feel about this isn’t as nuts as Adam thinks it is, or confirm for me that I am nuts and I’ll them have to think it all through again.
For those who read yesterdays post I did see the nurse and guess what I am again waiting. I will update you in about 2 weeks time once the new medication has arrived.