I really am getting better or at least leveling out, as although I don’t actually feel fitter in myself, I have started making plans and working on ideas. A really good sign. The past week I have felt like doing little other than sleep or vegetable mode, right OK I know that isn’t politically correct but neither is MS and as it is my final destination, I think I am allowed.
Adam has returned to work today with his double checking that I am OK before he headed out. I don’t know what he thinks will happen just because he isn’t here. I am well past the stage of being too pigheaded for my own good, I no longer have a mad turn and pull the ladders out of the cupboard so I can wash the ceiling. There is a point I am sure in all illnesses that you have to simply accept some limitations and stop pushing yourself to the limit and beyond.
In the past I have found myself sitting at the bottom of ladders confused by my position, as I was sure I was at the top. Pulling myself across the floor searching for something that I can climb up on, as the floor that I was cleaning turned into a human magnet and I can’t get off it and even sitting on top of the kitchen drainer working out how to get onto the floor again, as I had been standing on it to clean the window.
No longer do I try to reach, bend, stretch, climb, run or dance they all always land in disaster. I had to take the hint eventually but Adam seem to think I still do loads of silly things I shouldn’t. I am no more invincible than do I need to be wrapped in cotton wool.
Taking your time to plan though simple things actually makes you realise just how stupid you have been in the past. I’m sure we have all in our lifetimes, instances we remember with a cringe at our own stupidity. When you have to remember what you actually can do, you start to see things very differently. Everything that took no thought, now becomes a long embedded equation with factors like fatigue, energy reserves, flexibility, pain levels and more. I expect I probably would be very good at risk assessments these days, a health and safety dream.
Looking back over my life I think the silliest thing I ever did was to run away from home when I was 12. The reasons why I ran at this point are not important, what is was the fact that aged 12 I managed to be missing for nearly 3 weeks and I hitched all the way from Aberdeen to Stratford-Upon-Avon via Wales. I had taken some money with me so I wasn’t sleeping ruff I had been staying in Youth Hostiles, using my own name, just a different date of birth, but still I wasn’t found. It was a school friend that I phoned one night who told them where I was. I still wonder how I managed to find nothing but helpful friendly people where ever I went. My family must have gone through hell, while I was having a great time. I took lifts in cars, lorries, with anyone who would stop for me. The first day I made it to Edinburgh, I still remember feeling fantastic that night, no fear of anything and planning my adventure that was supposed to take me to London. Now I am so glad I didn’t make it, what could have happened if I had managed to disappear into the millions who lived there I have no idea.
If only the innocence of a child was the true picture of life, the world would be a wondrous place to be. Mind you it’s not that dull a place just as it is.