I had little sleep again last night. Trying to sleep was equally draining as trying to find a position to lie in, but it made me more determined to keep documenting the process. It is one of those facts in life that once a pain has gone you really don’t remember exactly how bad it was or the exact places it was in. Think of the worst accident or pain you have ever had, I bet you can’t really remember it anything like as clearly as it was felt at the time. Ask any woman who has had a baby, she will tell you it hurt but none of us really remember. Nature gives us pain to alert us to something, not to scare us for life. I have lost count of the number of times that when I have been asked how things have been in the last 3 months and answered ‘not to bad’, although just weeks before I have had this type of flare.

I know there is little that can be done by the doctors other than giving me very high dosage of steroids which in themselves make me feel ill. From my experience all they do is shorten the flare by a few days, but at the levels they give me they are dangerous in themselves. If by Monday I am no better I will contact them.

My lower back and legs seem to be the target area this time. I find anything to do with my legs really scary. I always worry that I will not be able to use them, just as I lost my left hand a few years ago. My hand has slowly returned but it is still of little use as there is no real strength. Being housebound is one thing, bed bound would be a million times worse. I don’t know why it is always the left side of me that is effected the worst, my left shin feels like there is a razor blade slicing into it when ever I walk, and jabbing it when I am still. The spams are continuing in my lower spine today so I guess that is were the pain in my legs is really coming from.

I have had some lovely messages and I thank all who have sent them, please accept my apologies for not answering just now. This alone has take most of today to write. My concentration is limited and I guess that I am not writing as well as normal. I know this will settle but I wish it would hurry up.