An MS balance?

So let me think, not the lead to the most exciting blog you might think, well the only way to find out is to read on. I went on my memory trail earlier today, it’s something I do from time to time, it’s a great exercise for me and I expect for anyone else who has a slowly fading memory. I have a fear that the day will come when I won’t be able to find those memories, that they will be lost to me for ever. That is part of the reason I write so much and pour out details of my life that many would rather forget about.

There are loads of things in my home that to the casual observer would appear just to be a large collection of ornaments, the type of things you would find in any home. Many I know think my home is cluttered and if I am being fare it might be, but my clutter has a purpose. I know where everything is and yes I do mean everything, with my eyes shut I can find any single one of them. For a long time I didn’t even realise what I was doing, I told myself and anyone else that I bought so many things to display in my home because I liked them. Not totally a lie. I do love crystal, Thomas Webb, Georgian pattern if anyone is interested and yes I have getting close to a complete glass collection, for now it has stopped growing but I hope for not too long. I digress. The trail has two purposes one to check on locations the other is quite different, some things are here not to just look pretty but they have stories behind them and memories I have installed in them.

When I fist realised that I was going at some stage be housebound I started arranging things so that I will always hopefully be able to use to pull those memories back to the surface. I get extremely agitated when they are moved by cleaning but when I can’t remember all that goes with them I sit and looking at them or holding them until I do remember. I know that people with Parkinson’s are encouraged to put together a memory book or box, I have considered it but it doesn’t fit with the way I am. If I put something in a box, then that box has to be out of site and unfortunately ‘out of sight out of mind’ is becoming more than just a saying.

Multiple Sclerosis slowly causes what they call lesions on the brain, understandably as the brain is such a delicate thing, these lesions cause damage. That damage is clearly different for each person as there are no set areas where the lesions grow. For me clearly I have problems with memory, I know I have damaged to my left frontal lobe and part of this is an impairment to my emotions. This is to me one of the embarrassing things MS has done to me, I cry, I cry at all the wrong times. Anything that causes a sharp change in my mood or I find embarrassing or difficult to talk about I cry. Now dealing with a builder who has botched something is not the right time to cry but I would and did. I can’t imagine what will set me off in the future but I have visions of someone just saying hallo and I cry.

This morning when I was trailing round my living room I started to cry, I was simply holding a little silver cat and remembering my Siamese cat, who by the way died nearly 20 years ago, I cried. I now have a vision of me in the future sitting in permanent tear because everything I see causes some sort of emotion. They say god takes away with one hand and gives with the other, so have I found the reason why I am loosing my sight.

7 thoughts on “An MS balance?

  1. Awwww that is sad, but I think there must be many good memories attached to those things too. I think it is a great way to remember, just having things around you like that. I hope it is a good while before you are spending more time crying than not x


  2. I think it was very far-sighted of you to collect all those things and know where they are. When my Dad was in late stage Alzheimer’s he did the reverse and was always moving things from place to place.


  3. Maybe much of your crying is more of an understandable response to how your MS limits you, rather than the result of any damage to your brain (?).
    Many people experience degrees of short or long-term memory impairment.
    You seem very mentally ‘with it’ to me.
    Probably best to try to get engrossed in anything other than worrying about the future, as understandable as it is that you sometimes do.


  4. I had to go through loads of scans and tests during and after the diagnosis, the Nuros seem to like putting us all in boxes. They said the damage was clear and it explained my inability to blubber all over the place for no real reason. Thanks for saying I am with it, I am when I type as I have the time to stop and start, reread and rethink. Just one of the reason I enjoy this:)


  5. I found your blog after you found mine, and so I’m reading old things to get to know you… and found this. And it just occurred to me that I do the same thing! I have a decorating style that I read described in a bona fide interior design mag as “layered clutter” — it may look messy but it’s really layers of art and treasures and memories that I can’t bear to rotate or put in boxes. I like having it all spread out before me, and in my home I love having nearly every inch of visible wall covered with original artwork, everything from pieces I’ve bought on payment plans decades ago that are now worth tens of thousands (much to my astonishment!!) and original watercolors and sketches I find at resale shops for a few dollars (I often contact the original artist and find they’re now worth hundreds!) and various art I’ve gathered on my travels through life: from signed Broadway posters to wreaths elderly Gullah women made for me out of sweetgrass during the summer I spent in Charleston.

    My boyfriend commented when he saw all these things that I was nostalgic. At the time I said it was more that I needed to remember that I had gone places and done things during the moments in which I feel like a failure. But after reading your post, I realize it goes much deeper than that, to the place where I fear that a day will come when those places and experiences will no longer be accessible to me and I’ll need to be reminded that I wasn’t always a person trapped inside of a body that betrayed her. Thank you.


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