Sorting out life but when asleep

I woke this morning to find once more that I can find no real improvement on the last week, this, what ever it is really had a hold on me and isn’t in any hurry to let go. The pain I have had now for over a week in the back of my left lung is still there, not worse but just as it has been now for several days. I suppose it is natural to find yourself more worried about the constant than the transient, but I have lived for such a long time now with the transient that anything else seems odd and note worthy. It is just over a years since I first started to notice problems with my diaphragm, to which at first the doctors didn’t listen and then thought it was my stomach. In just one year it has gone from the transient into a condition that there is no escape from at all, something that to most would seem expected but to me it totally alien. We all live by what we know, what I have known all of my adult life is the ups and downs of MS, so something that is here and always here, well it leaves me without a single coping skill to deal with it. That I suppose is one of the problems of just having one life time, by the point you have actually learned and discovered all the skills and all the tricks required to actually live, it’s over. A second would be rather useful even if it is only to allow you the chance to put them to use.

I never asked the doctor, partly because I knew he wouldn’t be able to answer, but I guess from what has happened since my diagnosis of COPD that it is the MS side of it I need to fear most. Emphysma doesn’t touch your diaphragm or your intercostal muscles both of which are very much required for the simple task of breathing, emphysema attacks the lungs themselves and is probably behind the pain in my left lung. But finding myself with little to no relief from the corseted sensation, tightest where my diaphragm is, kind of speaks for itself. I would give almost anything just to be able to sit upright without pain, or to lie down without my lungs turning into solid lumps of wood. They seem to have over taken all the other problems I have even though they haven’t gone anywhere, no matter how painful my legs and feet are, or how many spasms I get, they seem to have lessened in importance. It is strange how we all live our lives by league tables, everything is laid out in our minds from most important down to of no importance at all. As children they are always topped with friends down through our favourite toys and food, we don’t mean anything by it but all to often we forget to even mention our families as they are just there. The tables shift when we discover the opposite sex and again once we are free of school and starting to wish we could go back there to what was a simpler life. Even when there is no longer any real purpose behind them, the list still go on and split at last into reality and fantasy, topped with the things we will never have outside of our dreams. But all of them fantasy or not lessen in their importance as you age, there are still lists just smaller and somehow not so important past the few essentials of life. My league tables are now so concise it is laughable, all the wants are predictable, all the desires simple, yet it is probably the hardest list to ever be able to fulfilled as the truth is nearly all of my lists are now fantasy.

When I woke from my afternoon sleep I remember waking to find I was in rather a state of confusion, Adam had woken my when he opened the outside door coming home from work. I hadn’t meant to sleep that long, as I had once again miss set my alarm, I had been in bed for about 3 or 4 hours, waking was a process of pulling myself in to the real world with great reluctance, I don’t think I really managed that at all. Normally on waking I would have turned on my PC but I didn’t even when prompted by Adam, as I knew that I didn’t have any chance of doing anything of any worth. It took me a couple of hours to actually pull myself together and to remember that I had left a few tasks undone, even then I was still felling very confused and knew there were still others lurking somewhere in my mind. I had actually been woken by a phone call an hour or so before Adam came home, to let me know that my prescription was ready to be collected, it was once again Adams prompt that reminded me of it, but too late to actually be of any use. The whole evening was a muddle for me, nothing felt right although there was nothing different from any other evening, yet I wasn’t really there almost as though I was still half asleep. It is something that has been happening a lot but last night I never woke up properly and going back to bed resulted in not remembering at all any of the process of going to sleep. I remember Adam tucking me into bed and saying goodnight, but that was where the day ended, no time of just lying there slipping into sleep, sleep arrived before I heard the door close properly.

All to often I find I feel not quite here, it’s not a feeling that comes from my meds, I know that feeling that is always a numbness surrounding my mind, no this is different, this feels more natural if that makes sense. When your body does something to you, it is so different from a drug forming the effect and the longer you live with them in your system the more you can tell them apart. Fatigue brings on sleep, but it also brings on a different reality that tricks you into feeling still asleep when actually awake and you can’t escape it, you just have to keep going until you lie down again.